I feel like I am on an emotional ledge. I don't exactly know how I got here, but here I sit.
Missy goes back up to the NIH this week for a new MRI and a reevaluation of the tumor growth. And I am terrified.
Nick's job is running out of funding in the next few weeks. We don't have an exact end date, but it is coming soon. He is trying to line up something else here at the University, but so far the best we have is that hopefully someone can get him on in June. Hopefully. We don't want to move, but we cannot afford to live on my salary alone. That is actually almost a joke. We can't even come CLOSE to living on my salary. Having the primary bread winner (who carries Henry on his insurance) out of work is terrifying. And we are staring that reality down the barrel.
My endo is moving back to the land of Out Of Control. My periods are lasting around 14 days and are extremely painful. I know it's time to go in and talk to the doctor. To talk about another surgery, but that will cost us money we don't really have. To talk about going back on birth control, but in all honesty birth control makes me feel worse that I have these last few months off of it. Rather than a two week painful period and then two weeks basically symptom free, on birth control I am just crampy and uncomfortable all the time with constant spotting and then the added bonus of extremely painful periods to boot. And of course, I don't want to go on birth control. Because that will officially be THE END. And although I should be ready for that, I am just not.
If the Last Chance FET had worked I would be due next month. And that breaks my heart.
So that is where I am at. On an emotional ledge trying really hard not to let my lower lip quiver. I sat down to write something funny and up beat, and for the life of me I couldn't thing of a thing to say. Maybe this is why. Because right now I am not in a funny and upbeat place. I am in a hard place. And they happen, and I will get through it. But today, I am on the ledge, and it's a hard place to hang out.