Stepping Back

Thank you for all of your support yesterday.  I am really doing okay.  I find myself saying that a lot. But I am fine.  Really, I am.

Yesterday after posting, I was emotional and wanted to get myself under control.  I called Missy, who was spending the day with Henry.  She answers the phone and was out of breath.  She says sorry, they are just in the middle of a Michael Jackson dance party.  At that point I hear Henry says "Dance Mimi! Dance!"

And I took a small step back from the emotional ledge.

After working my ten hour day I headed across campus to my class.  It was our first time meeting and the professor is amazing.  Each week we are to do some reading on a women's health topic, then email her a "Casual, in our own voice, opinion on what we found interesting about the reading".  The rest of the class seemed to think it sounded difficult.  I thought it sounded a lot like a blog post.  Toward the end of the class she said that this class used to be called "Maternal Health" but she felt that did women in general a disservice.  That many women do not have children, both because they choose not to and because they are not able to.  This class would cover all of that.  Both Infertility and Endometriosis were mentioned as topics we would cover.  I smiled and thought that I am going to love this course.

And I took a small step back from the emotional ledge.

I went home and had a late dinner with Nick and Henry.  We played matchbox cars and then read stories before bed.  He picked out 'I Love You Forever'.

And I took a small step back from the emotional ledge.

After tucking him in I went into the kitchen and started cooking a casserole to bring to my friend at work.  She lost her mom last week and today is her first day back.  I thought of my mom.  Of my family.  And I thought how much worse things could be.  How lucky I am.  

And I took a small step back from the emotional ledge.

I climbed into bed around midnight.  Exhausted.  But feeling much better than I did when I woke up.  Someties it all comes crashing down, and you are pushed to your emotional limits.  That was me yesterday.  Not for any one reason, but for lots of little ones that just added up.  But still, you can't live your life on the ledge.  There are too many good things going on around me that I don't want to miss.

Thank you all for listening. Thank you for helping me take a step back. Because your words of support did just that. They helped me take one more step back from the ledge.

The Ledge

I feel like I am on an emotional ledge.  I don't exactly know how I got here, but here I sit.

Missy goes back up to the NIH this week for a new MRI and a reevaluation of the tumor growth.  And I am terrified. 

Nick's job is running out of funding in the next few weeks.  We don't have an exact end date, but it is coming soon.  He is trying to line up something else here at the University, but so far the best we have is that hopefully someone can get him on in June.  Hopefully.  We don't want to move, but we cannot afford to live on my salary alone.  That is actually almost a joke.  We can't even come CLOSE to living on my salary.  Having the primary bread winner (who carries Henry on his insurance) out of work is terrifying.  And we are staring that reality down the barrel. 

My endo is moving back to the land of Out Of Control.  My periods are lasting around 14 days and are extremely painful.  I know it's time to go in and talk to the doctor.  To talk about another surgery, but that will cost us money we don't really have.  To talk about going back on birth control, but in all honesty birth control makes me feel worse that I have these last few months off of it.  Rather than a two week painful period and then two weeks basically symptom free, on birth control I am just crampy and uncomfortable all the time with constant spotting and then the added bonus of extremely painful periods to boot.  And of course, I don't want to go on birth control.  Because that will officially be THE END.  And although I should be ready for that, I am just not.

If the Last Chance FET had worked I would be due next month.  And that breaks my heart.

So that is where I am at.  On an emotional ledge trying really hard not to let my lower lip quiver.  I sat down to write something funny and up beat, and for the life of me I couldn't thing of a thing to say.  Maybe this is why.  Because right now I am not in a funny and upbeat place.  I am in a hard place.  And they happen, and I will get through it.  But today, I am on the ledge, and it's a hard place to hang out.

Better

Thank you guys. Your comments and emails were so sweet and really did make me feel much better. I was exhausted on Tuesday. I had been up late studying (I got an A on my midterm!) and went to bed a ball of stress. I woke up the same way, and sat down and wrote that post. Later that day I went home for lunch and Henry was so happy to see me. He grabbed on to my neck and wouldn't let go, giving me the sweetest and most needed hug. He then sat it my lap as I ate, crying if I tried to put him down. It's amazing how much better he made me feel.

Yesterday Henry and I took a much needed break. I rearranged our schedule a little so we could stay at the house and get stuff done for most of the day, and you all, it was wonderful. I cleaned and he played, we played together, we took a nice log nap together. It was exactly what I needed. Exactly. I am back to it today, but I feel better. Much less thin. Thanks again for all of your kind words.

Thin

I feel overly emotional this morning. Maybe I am stretching myself a little thin these days. I don't know, it's a busy time. We have been traveling and very busy the last three weekends. I have been working so hard on my graduate class and have my midterm today. I am planning a wedding shower and making dinner for someone at work this week. Over the next few weeks we have the pumpkin patch, the wedding shower, our anniversary, several birthdays, Halloween, the bachelorette party and of course the wedding (which we are SO excited about) coming up. We are trying to finish up the addition, hanging dry wall and planning to paint. We need to get the furnace replaced in the next couple of weeks as the temperature drops. And then add in that my cousin is going through a hard time right now and I am trying my best to be there for her as much as I can. And then of course the biggie. The stress of Missy's cancer, her starting her treatments, that they may be doing chemo after all. and I am just thin. Emotionally thin.

And then there is the fact that Henry is going through a phase where he doesn't want me to hold him. Not doesn't want to be held, just doesn't want me. And I am embarrassed to admit that it hurts my feelings. It's not always. Of course he lets me hold him some, lots even. But it seems that if he has other options, like Nick or his grandma's, he wants them. And I hate to even write it on here, because I don't want them to feel bad, and they shouldn't. I love that he loves them so. But in my selfish heart I want him to love me best. Always. I feel this desire to say, "I carried you for nine months!" but I know that is pointless. He is 17 months old, and he loves his family. It's a wonderful thing.

But then I worry that my stretching myself so thin is taking a toll on Henry too. Does he feel I am gone too much. We have our Wednesdays together when I am off work and it is just us, but those days are filled with a million little jobs. Cleaning and cooking, grocery and bank. Will he say when he grows up that what he remembers from his childhood is his mama always being too busy to stop and play? That others made time, but Mama had too much to do.

See. Over emotional. But yet, it's these thoughts and all the worries for my family that keep me up until one or two in the morning when I am so exhausted from a long day. It's these thoughts that make me want to crawl into his room, scoop him up and bring him back to bed with me. But I can't. Because it's time again for me to get up, silent as a mouse, and sneak out of the house while he sleeps. To start another day of work away from my baby.

Thin.