Not that that's unusual, but some days it's more overwhelming than others. I never know what will spark a hard day. Today it was a combination of having too much down time at work and Gmail deciding to show me this old picture Nick had taken with his phone sometime last year. It isn't a picture I have seen often, and it wasn't in her photo montage. So in a way, it's a 'new' picture.
I can't explain it, but 'new' pictures that aren't in the normal rotation are extremely emotional for me to see. I become drawn into them, just studying her. Her face, her smile, her hair, her outfit...just taking in as much as I can from this moment that I can't even remember. What were we doing at the farm? Was it a holiday? A first Sunday of the month dinner? Was it a good day? It had to be better than today, because she was with us.
And that leads to just utter heartbreak and missing her so fiercely that I can't stop the tears.
I love 'new' pictures, because I feel like I really SEE her in them. And yet I think part of my tears with them are because I know nothing is really new anymore, they are just unseen. And I fear the day I run out of 'new' pictures to find. For now, I will keep my eye out, and I will always cherish each one, no matter how they break my heart.
Oh, Sarah. This is a painfully beautiful post. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know about looking at those kind of pictures, especially the ones where your loved one is looking right at you, as if she's there.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))