Thursday, July 31, 2008
It isn't just the blog, it is taking over my mind in all aspects of my life. I find myself dying to discuss it, but then when asked I don't really have anything to say beyond it is all going well...taking my shots. Just waiting. I think about it constantly. The hopes and the fears. I am scared to death that it will not work. Each step that we make it to I rejoice that we are closer, but I fear that I will panic when it comes to the egg transfer and literally all my eggs are in the one basket. If this is hard, how can I do the two week wait and keep a normal life?
They say the best thing to do during IVF is be normal. Try not to worry and just live life. I am trying. I really am, it's just when there is something this big, how can I possibly think of anything else. How can I not worry myself sick in the silent of the night. I am trying. I am spending time with friends and seeing movies. I am blogging, maybe not well, but I am here. Trying to stay normal. Focus on life. Thanks for staying with me during the crazy. Thanks for giving me the distraction, or at least reading the ramblings of my distraction. It means more than I could ever say.
***The youtube link is now working!***
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
**For the record, the girl who posted this picture and tagged it, isn't even in it! She just though she would share the gem with the rest of us***
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I officially started my period yesterday. This is basic hell for me with my endo, but for the first time in a long time I was excited to see it. They made it very clear in our informational session that if we do not start our period this week, we do not get to do our IVF in August. It makes since. They want everything to go according to plan, but that would just suck to be so ready and then have it canceled. I was happy that isn't something we will have to worry about (at least for this reason...unfortunately they can be canceled at any point along the way...). Along with the period has come the cramping, the back aches and the nausea. Toss that in with my constant head ache from the Lupron and I am a real pleasure. I broke down and called the nurse to ask about the pain medicine. They had said to try to take only Tylenol during the informational session, but I needed to know how important it actually was. Like should I miss work because of the pain? She said that it would be 100% fine for me to take the Lortabs while I was on my period, so that was a HUGE relief. It took me from near tears to completely manageable pain in about forty five minutes. Let's just hope this is the last period I have to deal with for a LONG time!
Monday, July 28, 2008
So...do you wanna follow me? If you are on Twitter, come find me!
Also, anybody know how everyone gets that little Twitter updater on their blog? I know you all can tell me. I looked. I really did, but I could never find the "add Twitter to blogger"code. Assuming someone tells me how not to be such a dork, you non-Twitter members will be able to see my updates over on the bottom of the left side column here on Bio Girl. But really, don't you all want to sign up for Twitter too?? It's fast, it's easy, it's addictive, and everybody's doing it! (and the peer pressure strikes again!)
Update: Okay, I found it. I have no excuse. It was right in front of my face...now I am officially updating even MORE pointless life details here at Bio Girl!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Besides watching Lost, my day has been pretty chill. I have gotten a lot of work done on the computer, and I picked up the house, but mostly I am just relaxing. Last night I read the entire book Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella, which was funny and delightful. (Thanks Chic Shopper Chick for sending it to me! You rock! ) If you haven't read her Shopaholic series you should look into it too...it's hilarious. So is her Can You Keep a Secret...honestly I love everything she writes...I also bought the entire Twilight series this weekend. (Finally using the gift card to Barnes and Noble which I got for Christmas...*shame*) Why has nobody told me about these books before?? Did you know that there is midnight release party for the fourth book?? Do you know how I LOVE that sort of thing?? (Do you know that I am a HUGE nerd who went to all the midnight Harry Potter parties and went to see the Star Wars at the midnight shows...and Spiderman...and the Matrix) I will not be attending this party because I am fairy certain I will not be caught up by then, but still...someone could have tipped me off to the phenomenon.
Just so you all don't think I am a complete loser, I will mention that I have also been socializing with friends. Going over to houses to hang out and laugh and talk, having lunch, going out to dinner for a birthday party. All good times. This head ache is still bothering me, but I am getting used to it. Not sure that is exactly the perfect solution, but it is something. I took my last birth control pull yesterday so I should be starting my period any day now. I keep forgetting that I still have to have a period in order to get this ball rolling. I feel like it's time, but really we haven't even started the count on the month yet. I am really hoping this isn't a painful cycle with my endometriosis. I am going to try to stay off any pain medications besides Tylenol if possible. The doctor said it would be best, but I can take my stronger stuff if I really need it...lets hope I don't.
Anyway, In sum...I did a whole lot of nothing this weekend. It has been really lovely. Nick gets home tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him. The house seems really quite with just me and the pets...it's much better when he is home.
PS. The tub of icing is definitely not gone. Neither are the white chocolate covered pretzels. The Ice Cream REALLY isn't gone...which reminds me...
Friday, July 25, 2008
I am off work today, but unfortunately plagued by a TERRIBLE headache. I don't have headaches often, but this one started last night in the second episode of Lost and really hasn't gone all the way away since. They told us that it is the most common side effect of the Lupron, so I am blaming it on that. I did spend the morning with my friend's little girl, and really enjoyed watching some Monsters Inc. You gotta love when a child is addicted to a movie you actually enjoy! I was thinking of going to the pool, or of calling up some friends. Doing something fun this evening like dinner or drinks, but now I am leaning more towards making this delicious sounding little dish from the Pioneer Woman with some Zucchini from my garden (That's right people! We are actually able to EAT food that we grew in our garden...I am so amazed), and maybe doing a little reading....Maybe some more Lost...maybe some more Heath if I can find it on TV. Anything that does not require me getting dressed or leaving the house and will take my mind of this headache.
Clearly I know how to have a good time when I am alone!
PS. I am DEFINITELY not eating icing out of the container. No way would I do that...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
There were eight couples, so sixteen people. We were all in the waiting room and there was some general chit chat going on. People talking about how long they have been trying, about the way they freaked out a little with the GIANT box of medications, how they read every piece of information sent with the meds to make sure they were doing everything right...I was in my element. Loving every second of it. I honestly wasn't part of the conversation much, but Nick kept teasing me as we sat there, whispering what he thought I was thinking (Which I was), "I thought that too!!", "We are exactly the same!!" I laughed and told him I was excited about the group meeting. He said he was not...but what does he know. How could these people like us get annoying?
Then the actual meeting started. We all realized one girl was different than the rest of us. She was not there for infertility, she was there for a genetic disorder of which her and her husband are both carriers. A truly sad story, as far as I can tell. It isn't like we went around and gave our personal medical information to everyone. I can honestly say that I felt very bad for her and her husband, and that I cannot imagine the heart ache that they have been through. Now...that being said. There is a time and place for certain discussions. Clearly she did not understand this. Not five minutes into the class she began. She went ON AND ON about how EASY it is to get pregnant at home, and how her and her husband had NO problems with that. First month out of the gate, DONE! When she said it the first time, I was like, hmm...that is a little inconsiderate considering she is here with fourteen other people who have struggled with infertility to the point of beginning the final stages of help...but she went on. And on and on and on. She asked what the odds are of us getting pregnant at home. She announced (while the nurse was talking) How much it would SUCK to get pregnant at home after they did all this...wouldn't that be a kick in the teeth?? About how they will know the sex of the embryos they are implanting and plan to choose which sex they want. About how they don't want to implant to many because they KNOW that getting pregnant is easy as pie...
I truly do not think anyone in the history of time has ever gotten under my skin more. I am not a person who has a hard time when my friends or people I know are pregnant. I am thrilled for them, for the new life. I think that I hope I am next, but I do not EVER begrudge them and their happiness. This was different. I don't know if she wanted to make sure we all KNEW she didn't have infertility...maybe that was it. Everyone was uncomfortable, even the nurse leading the session. In hind sight she should not have been in the group class. She is completely different from us and has her own questions and issues. I understand that the doctor couldn't have know how outspoken she would be....It is just one of those things. One of those things that happens that reminds you that not everyone understands.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
We have amazing friends and families that surround us, love us and support us. We decided (maybe I decided...I don't think there was any question) that we were going to be extremely open with our fertility struggles. I know a lot of couples keep the details to themselves, but that is not something I would ever be able to hold in. I need the support I receive from all the people who love us and so want this for us. I need to talk about it, to discuss the what ifs, the whys of all of this. It is to much for just us, we need our families.
Like I said we have amazingly supportive family and friends, so I really wasn't looking or needing any more support...or so I thought. But I have found an additional support system. I had heard of the amazing world of infertility bloggers. I thought I might find some blogs like mine, blogs to talk with about our woes. I was so wrong. This is not a community where you are looking for twenty-eight year old women with endometriosis. This is a community built of a shared heart ache. A heart ache that I never want my friends and family to ever have to truly understand. I have come across two blog rolls, Cycle Sistas, which posts everyone who lets them know they are undergoing a fertility treatment each month, and Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, which amazingly lists EVERYONE who sends in that they are blogging about infertility. It is an endless list of men and women going through exactly what you are going through. These two lists have helped me realize that I am not alone, and that there are success stories. People do come out the other end of this with happy endings.
My Google reader has changed, or at least is constantly growing. As I click on the links of these lists I find blogs that I just must know how it turns out for them. The blog that named her three embryo's Harry, Ron and Hermione...how could I not save her?? The-dad-in-the-making blogger...come on, he is HILARIOUS! The blogger who is struggling with her infertility while living with MS, with my dad and his MS, of course this blog got my attention...the blogger who struggled with infertility for three years, and after her first IVF found out she is having twins. Hope. It gives me hope. To see that we are not alone. To see that it works for people, that families are made. That the drugs and the needles and the emotions are worth it. I am honored to be apart of this community of bloggers.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
My sister in law Candice celebrated her birthday last night. She has her heart set on a fun filled night at our local country bar. This is the point in the post where I would tell you all about the evening in pictures...it's what I do...but alas I was to lazy to cut into that annoying plastic container that my new memory card came in, so I had no working camera. Yes, I had the card, Just refused to open it. That is truly the height of lazy...anyway, since I will be telling you of the evening with my sweet words, I figure I will go for it in bullet form. Here is my list of things I learned while at a country bar...
- no matter how much you act like you could take or leave country music, when you walk into the bar and keep bobbing you head to the music or saying "oooo...I love this song!" you will give away your secret obsession with country and let everyone know you are truly in you element...and loving every second of it.
- The best idea for a bar ever is to give out free popcorn. Sounds strange? I agree. Still, it's food, which is always a big plus, AND it makes you super thirsty, therefore resulting in the consumption of a much higher quantity of beer. Someone out there is a genius.
- The second best idea for a bar is to add a couple of pool tables to the back. This will allow the group of men dragged out to the country bar to have something to entertain them and let them forget their hatred of country music and start actually enjoying themselves.
- Nick is apparently really good at pool. Or at least he was when I was watching, which was for all of two shots...two very impressive shots!
- If a guy jumps up on the counter to single you out and ask you to dance, even though you are at the back corner of your table, it is okay to realize he had balls for asking and be just a touch flattered at the attempt. Still it is best to flash the wedding ring and say, "thanks, but I am married..." Then point out your husband who is making amazing pool shots.
- My dear friend Charing taught me that the act of saying yes to the guy will result in twenty years of "remember when you danced with that guy..." Clearly I made the right move.
- Some girls will definitely give you to much information in the bathroom. For example you might hear that she is wearing her "my boyfriend just cheated on me" shoes which she is hoping will help her get laid (we have a different name for those shoes) and she was at the gym three times TODAY.
- I would never in a million years go to a gym three times in a day. A boyfriend or husband cheating will not change my lazy bone. Boo pointed out she would, possibly, visit McDonalds three times a day. I would maybe visit the candy store...maybe the liquor store... but definitely not the gym.
- No matter how many times you tell the story of the girl in the red heals wanting to get laid to your single guy friend, he will not approach her and tell her he likes her shoes and ask her to dance.
- He will be amazed with the amount of information that was retrieved in the bathroom.
- When dancing to the live band, Do not stand with your back to the giant fan that in cooling down the dance floor. Wind blown from behind is not a great look.
- People really love their line dances. And I love watching the people that are SOO into it...gives me endless joy.
- Hiding your purse in the trunk is a good idea. Going out to the parking lot to check in the purse for something, then being hustled for cash is not fun at all.
- Near closing time people may bring their dog into the bar and play fetch. I find this awesome.
- Two am comes fast when you are having fun with your friends...ten am comes even faster when you have to work the next morning.
- Last thing I learned....time out with good friends is always worth the time and money. We had a blast. Happy Birthday Miss Candice! Thanks for dragging us all out for a night at the bar!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I have become uncomfortable in my own skin. I am not a big girl, I am honestly an okay weight for my height (I am a tall girl at 5'9"). Still, since Nick and I were married, I have put on twenty five pounds. Twenty five people. As okay as my weight number sounds for my height, that is still a lot of weight to learn to live with over two and a half years. Of those two and a half years, one and a half of them we have been trying for a baby. That makes weight gain so different. Each month when I start my period I look at myself, now a few pounds heavier, and think "THIS IS IT! I AM DIETING!!" but then...then the next cycle begins. You have hopes and after two weeks you start to think maybe...you want to eat and so you do. That's what pregnant girls get to do, right?
Then a year and a half later you are twenty five pounds bigger and clearly not pregnant. All my clothes are tight, but yet for a year I have fought the urge to just go buy new clothes in my size because "this could be the month! Then what will I do with all these clothes that are to big when what I need is MATERNITY!" And then each month I start again, I dislike my body a little more, and I eat more food.
Part of our problem is what we eat. We eat out way to much. We are talking four to five times a week I am picking up dinner or we are going out. This is bad for our health and bad for our bank account. When we are out, we eat whatever we want. We have no moderation. When I do actually cook at home, I make a big meal. I mean, if I am going to the trouble of cooking, lets do it right! Fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy, squash, green beans, cream corn, biscuits...special occasion? Oh yes. I cooked! I snack on cakes and cookies, I drink very little water, I am honestly lucky that I have not put on MUCH more weight over this time.
So what do I do? I sit here and I say I want to lose it, but then I can't help but think how I am starting IVF. Do I want to diet RIGHT NOW? What is one more month. Then I think how I feel when a cycle fails, and how with this, I would really rather not have being the biggest I have ever been on top of that. I think of how I don't want to eat this way when I am pregnant. I want to be healthy. I want my baby to be healthy. I want to change our eating habits. Cook more at home, and cook healthy. When we eat out to not always just get what sounds good, but get what IS good. To go ahead and buy new clothes that fit me. Styles changes and I need longer shirts. I need clothes that I can wear between two pink lines and maternity clothes. Those things don't happen on the same day! I need to be okay with myself. So...I am trying to eat healthy. To eat in moderation. I cannot diet right now, not with all of this, but I can live healthier. It is good for my health, and most likely good for our fertility. It is good for Nick and hopefully will be good for the baby I will soon be carrying...I hope I hope...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Three medications for injections (Leuprolide, Follistrim and Chronic Gonad) and four medications in capsules (Prometrium, Tramadol, Prednisone and Doxycycline ) plus a TON of needles. A frightening number of needles...a frightening number of medications considering I think they will all be gone in a month. A MONTH!
Nick and I go in for our meeting with the IVF coordinator a week from tomorrow. She will go over exactly what the hell I do with all these meds, and then that same day (July 23rd) we begin the injections. I am so happy I had the chance to get away on vacation before this started. A chance to not have to think about it. But now, now I am ready to get rolling. Now it is really starting to feel real!
**anybody out there know why I am not on progesterone? I can ask the doc next week, but I was a little surprised it was not on the list. I guess there are enough other things here that I wont really miss it...**
Monday, July 14, 2008
Then we went to his grandma's. I distinctly remember stopping there on our way down to Florida seven years ago. I remember that we sat down on the couch and Grandma looked at my hand. I had a small opal ring on my left ring finger and she was just so excited to see we were getting married. We were not engaged. I did not wear a ring on that finger again for about six years until we were actually engaged...
I also remember that Grandma let us sleep in the same room. She put us in the room with two twin beds. I remember so clearly that Nick and I rearranged the room so that we could push the twin beds together. I have no idea if Grandma told us we could do it, but we just felt like we HAD to sleep right beside each other! Couldn't stand to sleep eight feet apart!! HORROR!! When we got to Grandma's on Friday night she showed us to our room. It was a new house, but we were back in the room with two twin beds. We both looked at them, and said "AWESOME! We each get our own!!" No need to push them together. We were perfectly happy for the two nights with out own space. I guess a few things do change over time...
Sunday, July 13, 2008
** Also, check out my new amazing little signature! Adorable, right? All from Sweet and Simple Designs!**
**Last little thought. Did you all hear about the lightening strike on Pensacola Beach during the Blue Angles show on Saturday??? Ten people went to the hospital! We were out there Friday watching the dress rehearsal, but missed the real show Saturday because we were in Alabama. Dodged a bullet there...**
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Now for a couple of other pictures from the week. Here is Nick teaching Wesley to play some penny hockey. He will be a master in not time!
And here are the parents at dinner at Peg Leg Pete's
And then the kid table, Boo, Chris and Cory
Then Liz, Wesley (looking adorable) Me and Nick!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Honestly we were not incredible successful with our detection skillz. I will share the photo of our finds...
This is our large pile of "treasures" but then we found the item of all items...
We were really hoping it was platinum and diamonds, but when we scanned it with the metal detector it informed us that it was indeed....iron. CLASSY!
Now to the Family pictures (because I am sure you all are dying to see them...or maybe I am just dying to share them...)
Here is a picture of me and Nick the other night before we went out to a great dinner!
Here are the Bee Family before dinner too!
My adorable Mom and DadBoo and Chris looking cute in their matching green
Me with my Aunt Carole
Back on the beach, here are four generations spending time together in the sun!
My parents with two of their three girls...
Last night we grilled out steaks here at the condo then played board games. Man, we know how to have a good time(seriously...we do. it was awesome)! Here is a picture of Boo and Chris in their matching white before dinner
And finally a last picture of me and Nick! Hope you all are having a great week. I know we are!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Me and Boo on the beach...not my best look but I had just been in the water. When Liz and I walked over to the water and Liz got all the way in, Nick leaned over and said to Boo, "Liz just went under!" and Boo looked at him like he was crazy and said, "Um...yeah, Sarah is about to too" and three seconds later I was under. Nick has a deep dislike for the ocean water that clearly my family does not share!
And that's it for today. We are going out to dinner tonight, then the kids (us) might find a nice beach patio to go out to for drinks. Then again we might just have some drinks on our own patoi...doesn't get much nicer than that anyway! If you come by the blog and I haven't updated, don't worry about me. I am just sitting here...
Friday, July 4, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I do not remember my first trip to the beach. It just was always there. I remember being little and having the "girls room" in the condo for me, my sisters and all of our girl cousins (there were lots of us). Playing in the sand and diving in the waves. Of my AWESOME heart shaped sun glasses and singing to Debbi Gibson. I have teenage memories of tanning and music and chasing the Marines...or letting them chase us...Memories of girl time with my sisters and cousin. Of how close those weeks together made us. I have memories of being there with Nick and sharing my love of this place with him. Of showing him our places, our memories. But most of all I remember the family time. The memories made with my grandparents. Of how they loved watching their grandchildren on their beach, in their town. Memories of my grandfather telling us stories of being in the Marine Corps with all the grandchildren circled around listening to every word. Memories I now cherish since my Papa passed away. Memories of huge family dinners, of Christmas in July with my great grandmother, of renting out the entire sea-doo shop so the ENTIRE family can go together. Just so many memories of times spent together.
We haven't made the big family trip in several years...too many really. I think it was 2000 or 2001 that everyone was getting older and life just got in the way. Now we are finally going back together. My Nana, three of my aunts, my cousin and her husband and son, my parents, Boo and Chris and me and Nick are all going. We are missing some very important people and family members, but I am so excited to be with the group that is going. We have grown to big for one beach house, so this year we have two next door to each other. This year we also have the fourth generation making an appearance in the form of my perfect Godson Wesley. I am so excited to go, to have the much needed break from work and life and these infertility annoyances, to take in the beach again and just slow down. I am excited to get to be apart of Wesley's first trip to the beach. To be there and see as he begins his memories of Pensacola. I hope when we go back next year he has a couple of cousins there to keep him company and to start life long memories with too!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Then I waited to see the doctor for over an hour. I finally (FINALLY) got back in the room and the nurse says, "Well...I can see you have called A LOT. Let me read all of these. It will take a minute". I was immediately stung. I wanted to point out that I called on Thursday because I was in terrible pain. I called on Friday because THEY TOLD ME TO. And I called today....one week after this started, because I am STILL bleeding. I didn't say anything. I let her read the notes. She seem busy and overwhelmed and I didn't want to be the hateful patient that snapped back. When the doc came in he told me I have several more cysts, and that they are not big enough to be concerned with, but they could also burst, cause pain and bleeding...same old story. He said that he was sorry and that he would give me more medicine (which I don't need). I just wanted to make sure it wasn't anything big because I am going out of town. I am happy to know it isn't, but it just sucks that this is how it is.
So...I was GOING to stop the post there and be all like woe is me. Then I got a call from the second pharmacy. The one with the three final prescriptions for the IVF (first half the the Rx story is here). She said I had a balance of....$80. I thought she would say for one medicine, but no. That was it. Total. I asked how much the medicine would cost me if my insurance was not covering it. She laughed and said "A lot!" She told me that one of the drugs usually runs around $2000, but that Doc had put me on a higher dose and that mine was $3400...for just ONE of the medicines! The other two would have brought my total up over $4000. I paid a grand total of $117 for all my meds. I gotta say, saving $4000 kinda takes the sting out of this bad day!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
looks a hell of a lot like THIS little guy!Or maybe I am the only dork around who actually remembers the movie Short Circuit...but how could anybody forget the 80's classic with "Number Five... IS ALIVE!!" ?? Seriously as soon as I saw a preview for Wall-E I was thinking, "weird...Pixar is remaking Short Circuit? No...wait...this doesn't seem to be about Johnny Five at all! Man, people are going to go CRAZY with all the robot stealing!" And yet...I have heard nothing. NOTHING! Nobody remembers poor Johnny...just look into his sweet face...
but then again...this one is pretty stinking cute too.
Yep...going to have to so see this little guy on vacation...even if he did steal his look from my favorite 80's robot.