Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Weight

With this title I could really take this post in two totally different directions. The weight on my heart full of fears for this IVF cycle, or the weight on my body which is driving me a touch of crazy. I figure we have lots of time for the weight on my heart to get heavier and you all to hear all about that, so this will be about the new weight on my body....italic intro is back... I love them!

I have become uncomfortable in my own skin. I am not a big girl, I am honestly an okay weight for my height (I am a tall girl at 5'9"). Still, since Nick and I were married, I have put on twenty five pounds. Twenty five people. As okay as my weight number sounds for my height, that is still a lot of weight to learn to live with over two and a half years. Of those two and a half years, one and a half of them we have been trying for a baby. That makes weight gain so different. Each month when I start my period I look at myself, now a few pounds heavier, and think "THIS IS IT! I AM DIETING!!" but then...then the next cycle begins. You have hopes and after two weeks you start to think want to eat and so you do. That's what pregnant girls get to do, right?

Then a year and a half later you are twenty five pounds bigger and clearly not pregnant. All my clothes are tight, but yet for a year I have fought the urge to just go buy new clothes in my size because "this could be the month! Then what will I do with all these clothes that are to big when what I need is MATERNITY!" And then each month I start again, I dislike my body a little more, and I eat more food.

Part of our problem is what we eat. We eat out way to much. We are talking four to five times a week I am picking up dinner or we are going out. This is bad for our health and bad for our bank account. When we are out, we eat whatever we want. We have no moderation. When I do actually cook at home, I make a big meal. I mean, if I am going to the trouble of cooking, lets do it right! Fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy, squash, green beans, cream corn, biscuits...special occasion? Oh yes. I cooked! I snack on cakes and cookies, I drink very little water, I am honestly lucky that I have not put on MUCH more weight over this time.

So what do I do? I sit here and I say I want to lose it, but then I can't help but think how I am starting IVF. Do I want to diet RIGHT NOW? What is one more month. Then I think how I feel when a cycle fails, and how with this, I would really rather not have being the biggest I have ever been on top of that. I think of how I don't want to eat this way when I am pregnant. I want to be healthy. I want my baby to be healthy. I want to change our eating habits. Cook more at home, and cook healthy. When we eat out to not always just get what sounds good, but get what IS good. To go ahead and buy new clothes that fit me. Styles changes and I need longer shirts. I need clothes that I can wear between two pink lines and maternity clothes. Those things don't happen on the same day! I need to be okay with myself. So...I am trying to eat healthy. To eat in moderation. I cannot diet right now, not with all of this, but I can live healthier. It is good for my health, and most likely good for our fertility. It is good for Nick and hopefully will be good for the baby I will soon be carrying...I hope I hope...


  1. You just stated EXACTLY what I went through while trying to get pregnant. It took me almost 2 years to get pregnant while also hoping to lose some weight. I completely understand your frustration with the cycle!

  2. I could have written this post. Well, except for the trying to pregnant part. We eat out too much and we do not eat healthy. Tom will eat whatever I fix, so it's totally up to me. We had a GREAT dinner the other night with mostly fixings from the Farmer's Market and I need to do that more often. I need to plan my menus, buy healthier food and prepare it. Maybe we can form a healthy eating group!! I know it worked when we all did WW together.

  3. I totally understand what you are saying! All this year, I've been wanting to start exercising again, to start doing some aerobic exercises, but because of IVF attempts, we couldn't. Now that I'm in limbo until we decide our next step, I am starting to walk more and I've been eating a lot more salads than before. I need to go buy some new exercise shoes so I can do the aerobics.

    A couple of years ago I participated in a program offered by our local health department that taught us about portion sizes. I had lost 40 pounds while doing that program. Unfortunately, once it was over, I didn't maintain what I learned, and have gained most of it back. However, just watching your portion sizes truly can make a huge difference!

    Best of luck!

  4. We eat out way too much, too. Over the years it's packed on a TON of weight. Ugh.

    Just eating healthy is definitely the best road to take... now if only I could convince myself to take it. :)

  5. I don't think you have to go on a "Diet". Just stop doing the crap you know you should not do. Don't go eating lettuce all day...just don't eat fried chicken all day either. Moderation my dear.

    Kinda-of pushy for my first comment to you huh?

    Best of luck with your upcoming cycle I found you via cycelista. I'm string IVF #2 in a few days; AF willing.

    Luck to us both.