With this title I could really take this post in two totally different directions. The weight on my heart full of fears for this IVF cycle, or the weight on my body which is driving me a touch of crazy. I figure we have lots of time for the weight on my heart to get heavier and you all to hear all about that, so this will be about the new weight on my body....italic intro is back... I love them!
I have become uncomfortable in my own skin. I am not a big girl, I am honestly an okay weight for my height (I am a tall girl at 5'9"). Still, since Nick and I were married, I have put on twenty five pounds. Twenty five people. As okay as my weight number sounds for my height, that is still a lot of weight to learn to live with over two and a half years. Of those two and a half years, one and a half of them we have been trying for a baby. That makes weight gain so different. Each month when I start my period I look at myself, now a few pounds heavier, and think "THIS IS IT! I AM DIETING!!" but then...then the next cycle begins. You have hopes and after two weeks you start to think maybe...you want to eat and so you do. That's what pregnant girls get to do, right?
Then a year and a half later you are twenty five pounds bigger and clearly not pregnant. All my clothes are tight, but yet for a year I have fought the urge to just go buy new clothes in my size because "this could be the month! Then what will I do with all these clothes that are to big when what I need is MATERNITY!" And then each month I start again, I dislike my body a little more, and I eat more food.
Part of our problem is what we eat. We eat out way to much. We are talking four to five times a week I am picking up dinner or we are going out. This is bad for our health and bad for our bank account. When we are out, we eat whatever we want. We have no moderation. When I do actually cook at home, I make a big meal. I mean, if I am going to the trouble of cooking, lets do it right! Fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy, squash, green beans, cream corn, biscuits...special occasion? Oh yes. I cooked! I snack on cakes and cookies, I drink very little water, I am honestly lucky that I have not put on MUCH more weight over this time.
So what do I do? I sit here and I say I want to lose it, but then I can't help but think how I am starting IVF. Do I want to diet RIGHT NOW? What is one more month. Then I think how I feel when a cycle fails, and how with this, I would really rather not have being the biggest I have ever been on top of that. I think of how I don't want to eat this way when I am pregnant. I want to be healthy. I want my baby to be healthy. I want to change our eating habits. Cook more at home, and cook healthy. When we eat out to not always just get what sounds good, but get what IS good. To go ahead and buy new clothes that fit me. Styles changes and I need longer shirts. I need clothes that I can wear between two pink lines and maternity clothes. Those things don't happen on the same day! I need to be okay with myself. So...I am trying to eat healthy. To eat in moderation. I cannot diet right now, not with all of this, but I can live healthier. It is good for my health, and most likely good for our fertility. It is good for Nick and hopefully will be good for the baby I will soon be carrying...I hope I hope...