Monday, January 14, 2013

Just Thinking

I feel like I am in a strange place with blogging.  Actually, I feel like I am in a strange place in general.  It feels wrong to talk about Missy all the time, but it feels wrong to talk about anything else.

 I am not sure where to go with that.

I do know that now that I can say things about Missy on here, I am much more drawn to blogging.  Honesty.  It helps.

I do not know what to do with my time. I have too little, I have too much.  It's just impossible to find a balance.

 I am spending as much as possible with her.  Taking long lunches everyday to sit and visit with her at her apartment.  Having her come and stay the night with us so we can have those long stretches of quality time that only overnight stays can really provide.  It is wonderful, and it is hard too.  Because her cancer is progressing.  Because I know that our time is limited.  Because... just because this is all so unspeakably difficult.

I am back in school, which is a constant internal debate with myself.  But classes started last week and I showed up.  And I will show up again this week (unless I don't.  In which case, whatever).  I wouldn't care to take the semester off.  I am not so set to my schedule that I have to keep going so I graduate on time.  I really couldn't care less about that right now.   I could walk away for awhile, but really, I like that it keeps me busy.  that it keeps my mind occupied.  That it gives me something else to think about.

 Is that logical?  I don't know.  But I am going, and we will see how long I last.

We are redecorating Henry's room.  Because doesn't now seem like the time? 

He got a new big boy bed for Christmas, and it wouldn't fit where the toddler bed went.  We (I) decided to do a full room redecoration, changing from a forest nursey to a big boy outer space room.  We (Nick) have really been busting our butts for the last week to get it done. First big night in his new room is tonight! Wish him (us) luck!

Pictures to come.

I saw Cloud Atlas with my dad this weekend.  I can't stop thinking about it.  It starts out pretty confusing, and some of the makeup is a little distracting, but by the end I was totally hooked.  Six stories, told all at once, creating a movie about how we are all always connected. 

I highly recommend it.  (So does my dad)

My pants seem awfully tight.  I bent over to pick something up yesterday and the snap on my cords just popped open.  I should do something about that one of these days.

I have a new Harry Potter shirt that I got for Christmas.  It's awesome.
Just thought I would share.

My neck looks surprising long in that picture...


I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea what I should be doing.  I feel tired all the time, and I think a lot of that is because I am emotionally exhausted.  Or maybe it's because for a week I have had a three year old in my bed.  Sometimes I am so very sad, and other times I ease back into nearly normal.

These days... I wonder what they will look like to me when I look back on them from the future.  Hopefully I will see myself here, doing the very best I can.



  1. A)I love you and I'm keeping you in my prayers.

    B)A space room for Henry is just perfect. I assume there will be a robot of some sort.

    C)That Harry Potter shirt is the shit.

    D)A long neck is considered attractive according to some study I read in what was probably a very scientific magazine like Cosmo or Marie Claire.

    E) It's ok to not know what you need to do. You are easily one of the bravest people I know.

  2. Hugs for you and your family during this awful time. I spent most of 2011 in the same situation w/ my grandmother-in-law and all of 2012 trying to recover from it. It's OK for you not to know what to do. Just getting through each day is enough.

    I started grad school during our IF saga, and it was a good distraction during that time. I think it will be helpful for you right now.

    Love the HP shirt, and we need to do the same to my son's room.

  3. Trying to keep some sort of normal while spending quality time with Missy seems like the best you can do right now. I was in a similar situation 2.5 years ago with my mom - from knowing she had cancer until she died was only four months - and we didn't live in the same country. I'm glad you're able to spend so much time with your sister. Cherish every moment of it. (((hugs)))

  4. About the school thing--when my husband's dad died suddenly, the first thing he did was go to work that day. He needed something, some routine from his life, while I worked out the flights and arrangements to go to his funeral. Sometimes it is the routines that help us through tough times.

    We just bought our daughter a new bed...doesn't arrive for a few weeks, I have to figure out if I want to change the room a bit too. My, are they growing up or what?!

  5. I'm so sorry about your sister... Please know that you are in my prayers...all of you.

  6. One step in front of the other right now, that's all you can do. I hope when you look back on this time you see love, and peace, and you smile. xo

  7. Just wanted to let you know I woke up super early and couldn't get back to sleep thinking about you guys and how sweet and funny Melissa is. My heart is heavy but I can't imagine how terrible it must be for you, I am so sorry. I came across a bible verse yesterday and thought of your family. I hope it helps even a tiny bit.
    Come to me, all who are..heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30