So yesterday evening I asked Henry if he wanted to go ride his bike. I would like to pretend that this is a daily activity, but in actuality I have no idea when he last rode his bike. In fact, when we were recently at the doctor the doc asked him if he rides his bike and he said "Well... I USED TO..." Like we threw his bike away or something. I immediately jumped in and was like "HAHAHAH... you still ride our bike sometimes! We have just been busy with tball!" Because I feared the next question would result in Henry declaring his undying love of video games and possibly Mountain Dew, and while we may let him play video games and drink pop we also strongly encourage moving his body around and going outside from time to time. I decided to highlight the latter rather than the former with the pediatrician... I figure it's a classic parenting move.
ANYWAY, we were going on a bike ride. NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT. And as we were walking out of the front door a movement caught my eye. A really... unusual movement. Sorta like something slithering.
Oh god you guys, it was a FREAKING SNAKE.
ON MY FREAKING FRONT PORCH.
NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN.
So, the SNAKE was maybe a foot long and about as big around as my thumb. It keeps getting longer in my head (MAYBE IT WAS TWO FEET???) but I am going to stick with my first analysis, which is around a foot. Here's the thing though...
THE THING BEYOND IT BEING A FREAKING SNAKE.
It is hard for me to judge how big it was because, you know it was SLITHERING, but it wasn't slithering AWAY from us. Oh no, that would be too easy for my NIGHTMARES. It was slithering TOWARDS US. So I was like, "Henry, is that... is that a SNAKE?!?!" Right as I saw the last eight inches or so start to disappear into a HOLE IN THE STEP. YOU KNOW, THE STEP I WAS STANDING ON THAT HOLDS THE DOOR TO OUR HOUSE.
NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. CAPS LOCK FOREVER!
A SNAKE LIVES IN A HOLE IN MY FRONT STEP.
A SNAKE. UNDER THE STEP THAT LEADS TO OUR HOME. And there is a VENT Close to that door. OH GOD, I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT. A SNAKE SIZED VENT HAT GOES DIRECTLY INTO OUR HOOOOOUSE.
KILL ME NOW.
For the record, I was amazing calm about this all as it happened. Really, I was. I was more in shock because never in my life have I seen a snake anywhere around our neighborhood. So I lived in a snake free world. So when it was there I was like, "Could it be... no..." And then as it settled in that it WAS, it was already gone. There wasn't anything to do but walk on out, so I just let it go. Or so I thought.
But now, a day later, I keep thinking about it and... UGH. FREAKING SNAKE.
I guess I will break it to Nick tonight that we are going to need to move.