Well, I have one more week of my maternity leave. ONE WEEK. I cannot believe that we are almost done. I cannot believe he is going to be SIX WEEKS OLD tomorrow. I cannot believe that I have to go back to work. I breaks my heart every single time I think of it. It will be easier because I am only going back part time for the first two weeks. It seemed like a good idea to ease back into the work deal. It will also be easier because once I go back full time, I am changing my schedule to only work four days a week. They will be four ten hour days, but still, only four days away. I can handle that. It will also be easier because sweet Henry does not have to go to daycare just yet. We have teachers in the family (YAY!) so he gets to stay with his aunts over the rest of the summer. These things make the idea of going back to work livable. I can survive it, but it breaks my heart to think of leaving him with ANYBODY.
Still, it is under control. I am okay to go to work next Tuesday for five hours. I know he will be fine. But I realized yesterday that before I go back I need to go meet everyone at the daycare he will eventually be attending two days a week. I have had great recommendations for them. He has been on the waiting list forever. I KNOW it is a good place with good people. Still, I was going to take him over there and look around. The place was nice. It really was. I was holding up okay on the tour. Everything made since. Everyone was really sweet. Then I started to ask a few questions. "tell me about what his day will be like" and she started. It sounded good. It sounded like a perfect daycare day. But then...out of nowhere. I burst into tears. Yes I did. I BURST INTO TEARS. I know they will take care of him, but I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF HIM. He is just so tiny. I see that it will be good for him in a year or two, but for now I want to be the one that is there. I want to be the one that rocks him to sleep and helps to teach him to roll over. I want to make sure that even though he is such a good baby and so easy, that he is always held and loved and played with. I want to make sure that he never left out or ignored. I want it more than I want almost anything else in the world.
I guess the one thing I want more is to provide for him. To give him the best life we can. And because of that, I have to work. I have to take him to daycare two days a week and he will be okay there. I know they will love him and take wonderful care of him. But not like I would. Because I am his Mama. And I take care of him best. That is what breaks my heart. I want what is best for him, and I truly believe that is me. It is just hard to not give that to him, when it is what I want more than anything.
And now I am crying again.