I cannot stop thinking about our future FET. I cannot stop reading new Infertility blogs, which is something I had all but stopped doing since Henry was born. And I now feel bad about that. I feel guilty that I used them for support during out IUI's and IVF, but once my baby was born I stopped looking for those struggling women who may need me. But for Henry's first year my head and heart were all Henry. Now, now that we are at the time where I thought we would be getting started, my heart is starting to make room for these thoughts of baby #2. We are months away from our FET, and although that doesn't sound like a long time, it is starting to feel like a long time to my heart. I am ready. And I am terrified.
I think about the medications. The shots, the hope, the possible heart ache. I think about the six embryos. Worrying if we have enough. Worrying if we have too many. I am thinking constantly of how many to put in. I think of Henry. I think so much about Henry. About how two years ago we were just starting. About how we didn't know him then, but we loved him already. About how that cycle led us to these embryos. About how they have been patiently waiting their turn for two years. About will it work. About what if it doesn't.
My mind is moving back into baby mode, and with it comes infertility mode. And I hate that. I hate that they are tied for us. I hate the questions and the fear. I hate how it is starting to keep me up at night. How it is taking over my thoughts. My prayers. But it isn't like last time. No matter what, I have my sweet Henry. And he will always be enough. I just hope for more.