Friday, August 20, 2010

Infertility Thoughts

I cannot stop thinking about our future FET. I cannot stop reading new Infertility blogs, which is something I had all but stopped doing since Henry was born. And I now feel bad about that. I feel guilty that I used them for support during out IUI's and IVF, but once my baby was born I stopped looking for those struggling women who may need me. But for Henry's first year my head and heart were all Henry. Now, now that we are at the time where I thought we would be getting started, my heart is starting to make room for these thoughts of baby #2. We are months away from our FET, and although that doesn't sound like a long time, it is starting to feel like a long time to my heart. I am ready. And I am terrified.

I think about the medications. The shots, the hope, the possible heart ache. I think about the six embryos. Worrying if we have enough. Worrying if we have too many. I am thinking constantly of how many to put in. I think of Henry. I think so much about Henry. About how two years ago we were just starting. About how we didn't know him then, but we loved him already. About how that cycle led us to these embryos. About how they have been patiently waiting their turn for two years. About will it work. About what if it doesn't.

My mind is moving back into baby mode, and with it comes infertility mode. And I hate that. I hate that they are tied for us. I hate the questions and the fear. I hate how it is starting to keep me up at night. How it is taking over my thoughts. My prayers. But it isn't like last time. No matter what, I have my sweet Henry. And he will always be enough. I just hope for more.


  1. I have only commented once to your blog about the endo. I have one son who is now nine, we tried and tried for another one and you're right it is very scary. It is so different going thru it once you have a child or at least it was for me. I was thankful for him but wanted another so badly, but I worried about putting back two embryos and both taking, if it had happened the first time it would have been fine but when you have one child and go to three it's much different. I worried about taking care of myself because now I had someone who needed me and I had to be healthy for him. I hate that infertility is a part of who I am but it is and unfortunately it will always be. Even though it did not work out for me and we eventually had to stop trying, the pain is still there, not on the surface, but deep within. I wish you much luck and hope your outcome will be different, but if it is not, at least you have Henry and that is so much to be thankful for.

  2. I have not commented in far too long, sorry xx

    I hate that infertility has affected your life and that it takes away the joy of planning for another baby :o( I wish I had words that could help but I don't... just know that I am thinking of you and sending my love and am more than willing to read any and all posts you may feel you need to write over the coming months xx

  3. Welcome back to the Land of IF. It must be tough to think about those frozen little embies who have been waiting so patiently for over a year. I hope that one of them becomes your second child, and that you get to leave this continent for good.

  4. OMG I totally get it. I hate that the thought of having a baby immediately brings back awful, awful memories. But you are right, once you are holding your own beautiful child in your arms, it does make the journey better, even if it's still hard. Best of luck this time around! Much babydust your way!

  5. Thank you for commenting on my blog! I understand what you mean about not finding other blogs once your little man got here. I feel bad about this too. I am just so consumed with my son right now that my only time to even check my blog is during the day while I am at

    Hang in there with getting back on the wagon. I keep thinking about when we will be starting that too. We still have a little bit, but not so long that I don't think about it already. I will be adding you to my blogroll! :)

  6. Oh! I completely understand your thought processes. How it takes over and you don't want it to but it does and you can't help it. Whew! That was a lot to say. I get it.

    I'm hoping for fabulous news in several months. Keep thinking positive thoughts. And share another smile with your son. He is tooooooo cute!

  7. Wow, i know exactly how you feel. We have alot in common. Ivf# 2 for us is in Jan. No frosties from # 1. Some days i think there is no way i can wait that long. Other days i want to enjoy my little boy as much as possible before starting Ivf# 2. Good luck with your FET.

  8. You know we are all in the same boat. No one would feel used. I understand your thoughts, but dont sweat it. There is no therapy like helping someone else, especially when you are right there with them.

    Law, that first year is brutal. I don't know how these super mommas do it. I could barely shower, let alone type. There was always a baby on my boob. Can you blog with one hand?

    It doesn't look like you have done an FET to me in the past? They are LOADS easier. Loads.

    Six??? What is up fertile Myrtle? Well done!

    I promise you the next round is nothing like where you have come from. I promise.