Today is 11-11-11. How many weddings are happening today, do you think? I am thinking lots. It has such a nice ring to it, 11-11-11. How many babies are being born over the next week, parents who were hoping for that 11-11-11 birthday. I remember nine months ago hoping I was pregnant because our due date would have been right around now. It feels like a lifetime ago.
I know I don't talk much about the failed cycles anymore. I don't know what else to day. But if you are curious, I think about them all the time. Maybe not as much as I did five months ago, not every second, or every minute even, but at least once a day. I read blogs who had their transfers the same time as us. I watch those soon to be mama's grow and think "I was almost there with them". I could have been due now if trying on our own had worked. I would be due in January if the first FET had worked, or in March if the last chance one had actually happened. And I wish I didn't know those dates. I wish I didn't think about it, but I do.
People always say to make a wish at 11:11. What about on 11-11-11? Is this a lucky day? Can I make a wish for myself? Because if it is just a wish in general, my little sister will always and forever get my one wish. More than anything I want her healthy. But if I am making a selfish wish, or if we think of this a genie and I have three wishes and the first is for the health of my family, the second is for a baby. Still. Always.
Or maybe it's to stop thinking about it. To stop asking for it. To be satisfied. I am closer than I was, but still not nearly close enough. I see siblings and my heart breaks. I see the three of us together, and think there is that perfect spot for one more. And I wish I didn't feel that way, but I just can't stop myself. I can't stop the wishing every day, every cycle, all the time. So maybe for today, on this day of wishes, I should wish to stop wishing. But that might be just as likely to come true as actually getting pregnant.
As for my third wish, just in case you were curious, I of course wish to free the genie.