Friday, November 11, 2011


Today is 11-11-11.  How many weddings are happening today, do you think?  I am thinking lots.  It has such a nice ring to it, 11-11-11.  How many babies are being born over the next week, parents who were hoping for that 11-11-11 birthday.  I remember nine months ago hoping I was pregnant because our due date would have been right around now.  It feels like a lifetime ago.

I know I don't talk much about the failed cycles anymore.  I don't know what else to day.  But if you are curious, I think about them all the time.  Maybe not as much as I did five months ago, not every second, or every minute even, but at least once a day.  I read blogs who had their transfers the same time as us. I watch those soon to be mama's grow and think "I was almost there with them".  I could have been due now if trying on our own had worked.  I would be due in January if the first FET had worked, or in March if the last chance one had actually happened.  And I wish I didn't know those dates.  I wish I didn't think about it, but I do.

People always say to make a wish at 11:11.  What about on 11-11-11?  Is this a lucky day?  Can I make a wish for myself?  Because if it is just a wish in general, my little sister will always and forever get my one wish.  More than anything I want her healthy.  But if I am making a selfish wish, or if we think of this a genie and I have three wishes and the first is for the health of my family, the second is for a baby.  Still.  Always.

Or maybe it's to stop thinking about it.  To stop asking for it. To be satisfied.  I am closer than I was, but still not nearly close enough.  I see siblings and my heart breaks.  I see the three of us together, and think there is that perfect spot for one more.  And I wish I didn't feel that way, but I just can't stop myself. I can't stop the wishing every day, every cycle, all the time.  So maybe for today, on this day of wishes, I should wish to stop wishing.  But that might be just as likely to come true as actually getting pregnant.

As for my third wish, just in case you were curious, I of course wish to free the genie.


  1. I'm here, for the first time, from Mel's 11.11.11 make a wish campaign. While I do not have the power to make your wishes come true directly and while I am not a religious person, I will hold your sister in good thought, sending healing and healthy thoughts up and out through the universe to her.

    I completely commiserate with you on the unrequited quest for #2. Our son was born from our 2nd IVF, but an additional 5 own egg IVFs and 1 donor egg cycle were unsuccessful. We stopped treatment over two years ago, took one dark year off to not even discuss having another child, and are now approaching the end of our first active year waiting to adopt domestically. During this year, I have become closer, too, with being content as a family of three, but not close enough that I can give up on being a family of four. It is a tough spot, inbetwixt.

    I wish you peace of heart and mind as you wrangled your way through it.

  2. Wishing and hoping for you to have that healthy baby you long for. that Nick can get the best job that is right for him and it is settled before he has to leave the other one. And sending prayers and support for your sister - I really hope that she gets some good treatment and can get through it.

  3. Oh how I empathize. My son was born a month after yours, and we are now at that age where siblings are coming. We hope to try for a sibling sometime, but we probably won't be able to for a few more years. Sometimes I look at my son and believe he is enough, but I always wanted more than 1 child.

    Sending good wishes to your sister.