Friday, December 23, 2011

Squirrel Fight

So you know that squirrel I casually mentioned a few days ago?  The one that was INSIDE MY HOUSE?  Yeah.  Let's talk about that, shall we?

So recently we have had a couple of squirrels move into our attic. It is extremely annoying.  We heard them running around, so Nick went out and found a small hole they were using to get in.  He covered it up, thinking the problem was solved, and went about his day.  The problem was not solved.

The next day we noticed a nice hole had been chewed into our gutter and soffit.  That's right.  The damn thing chewed through a METAL gutter.  Nick patched that up and a new hole arrived the next morning on the soffit over our front porch.  Nick promises to buy a trap on his way home from work because clearly these squirrels need to be relocated far far away from our house.

Unfortunately "on the way home from work" was just a little too late.  At 3pm last Friday Nick's mom called.  There was a squirrel...and it was INSIDE.  Nick rushes home to find a WILD ANIMAL has taken over our laundry room. It came down through an old attic entrance that was covered with insulation, which apparently Mr. Squirrel was jumping on which brought the entire thing crashing onto the Washer.  The damn thing ran straight up a wall.   How is that even possible?  Nick comes in and opens all the doors, trying to get the thing to run out of the house, when the squirrel instead decides to take refuge under our China cabinet.  Mr. Squirrels last stand.

Nick quickly blocks off all openings under the china cabinet and runs to the garage to build a quick cage. He drills a small hole on one side of the blockage so he can scare the Mr. Squirrel into the opening on the opposite side which happens to lead to the home made cage.  It was genius.  Except Mr. Squirrel poked his head into the cage one time and yelled "HELL NO!" and returned to the deep recess of his hiding place. He started Hissing and growling like crazy.  You all, it was TERRIBLE.  Every time we walking near him he would start to growl and I became convinced he was going to chew his way out and eat off our faces to punish us. Then he would take our house as his prize. 

So we had to come up with a plan.  Mr Squirrel would not leave.  He sounded Rabid under our China Cabinet and he refused to enter the trap.  So... (this is where I get glad I don't have a million readers to tell me I am a bad person.  Please remember, squirrels are RODENTS.  They are basically rats with tails.  And it was IN MY HOUSE. WHERE MY BABY SLEEPS.  AND I LIKE MY FACE AND DON'T WANT IT EATEN OFF)  we decided Mr. Squirrel needed to no longer live.  ("die" sounds so harsh.)  Nick's grandmother is the master of killing squirrels (they take her pecans. she will NOT apologize for killing every last one of them).  And she told us if you just leave them they will die within a day or two.  But... Mr. Squirrel was IN MY HOUSE (did I mention that) and you know... the face eating thing was in my head.  So we (Nick) came up with a plan.

It wasn't like we could shoot it, so we came to the idea of poison.  Except.  Well, he would have to eat it.  And he didn't seem like he was in a snacking mood.  And we wanted something painless and fast.  That is when my scientist husband came up with an idea.  A humane idea.  An idea that would inflict no pain on the WILD RODENT we have in our house.  We were going with Euthanasia.

So we got some dry ice.  Nick kept saying "The science is sound...this should work" .  CO2 poisoning is painless, he would just go to sleep.  So...we chopped up the dry ice and slid it under the cabinet.  Nick "borrowed" (we threw it away afterwards) some of Henry's play dough to cover up air holes so it would be quick.  And... well, it was.  And it was over.

So we were sorta proud and at the same time felt sorta bad.  I mean, we aren't hunters.  We are totally meat eaters, but the kind that buy all that mean packaged at the grocery store.  For god sake, we used our Chemistry background to come up with a plan to GAS A SQUIRREL.  We are not cut out for this.  So the next day we bought a live trap. 

The next day we caught one alive.  Nick had to carry the cage down from the attic while Mrs. Squirrel was dive bombing at the door right by his face to try to get out.  We googled how far you have to go to relocate a squirrel so it can't come home.  THIRTEEN MILES.  So in the pouring rain we left the county to give Mrs. Squirrel a new home.

We were pretty please with ourselves for our nature friendly ways as Nick got out in the rain to release her into the wild.  And I will be damned if she didn't run straight out into the road.  Idiot squirrel.

Last night we heard another one up there.  God Help us.


  1. Oh I am laughing so hard... First off, I like how your reasoning as to why you guys can't be hunters is because you're nerds.

    Second: "The science is sound." I will use this FOREVER as a way to convince Mike to do something.

    Third: I like imagining the squirrel jumping up and down on the insulation much like a child would in a hotel room because of the enchantment of a new bed.

    Fourth: I also like to imagine the squirrel fashioning a flag out of leaves and bark and twigs and firmly placing it in the middle of your living room as he's surrounded by his casualties... You know, like he's claiming his new land... Squirrel-Landia.

    Oh man... I am still chuckling...

  2. So, I can think of very few reasons why science would be important in my life. This is a good reason why I should have paid attention in chem class... (laughing hysertically!)

  3. Ha, that was an excellent read. But I'm sorry about your squirrel problem though. I once had a stand-off with a squirrel too - it involved hot sauce (but it was outside, thankfully we never had one in our house). Good luck getting rid off them completely!

  4. Oh how I laughed - I had to shush myself because Connor's asleep :)

    LOve the "the science is sound" and how he still died after you drove so far.

    Love it - I know it's not great but at least it's good for the blog, right? :)

  5. Isn't the saying, "Squirrels are rats with better outfits?"

    Yikes. I'm with you on your fears of a squirrel eating off your face. I hope this last one is the last time you have to deal with an invasion again.

    Down with squirrels!

  6. Oh how I needed that laugh! You captured it PERFECTLY and I think that you are my new favorite blog.

    (Just for the record I protect defenseless animals...but I totally would have killed that one too. You did the right thing and if I ever have a rabid squirrel in my house....thanks for the inside scoop on dry ice! )