Last night Nick and Boo climbed into our attic to pull down some baby gear. The travel swing, the Bjorne, and lots of newborn gowns. Our sweet girl will be here ANY MINUTE so all the last minute prep is under way. Since we didn't know if Henry was a boy or girl until he was born, we were well stocked in the neutral gown/sleeper department. Boo and Chris used these clothes for Cici in her first few weeks of life, and were planning to use them for Baby Girl too.
So, we broke out Henry's newborn clothes last night. The sleepers and the gowns. The hats and the blankets. The stuff. And I remember lending it to them for Darcy, and saying "Just give it back when you are done because we are doing out FET soon!". I remember those tiny little clothes coming home and Nick carefully putting them back in the attic where they could be found again. For our new baby. I was pulling things out, sorting into piles of what they wanted to take and what was going back in the attic, and Nick make some joke about getting rid of it when they were done... and my eyes filled with tears. We laughed, because... how silly. But then I had a hard time holding it in. We laughed more, because what do you do? What do you say? How do you control emotions that are TOTALLY unwanted and out of your control? I just... I could cry right now. Full disclosure, I AM actually crying just a little right now.
It's not jealousy. Not even a little bit. This really has nothing to do with the Baby Girl. I am so thrilled for them and have been from the moment this adoption started. I am so thrilled for ME. I want my sweet niece in my arms more than I can tell you. These emotions have nothing to do with their family being complete. It's just that seeing Henry's baby clothes, the idea of new babies, of second children, of completeness...it still rubs such a raw spot in my heart. An extremely sensitive spot that I try so hard to hide.
So often I get comments and emails on this blog telling me that people are jealous of how well I am handling the acceptance of our family of three. That I am doing so well! How Great! How Wonderful! An Inspiration in being happy with what you have!
I can't bring myself to get rid of a single thing of Henry's from when he was little. I promise Nick I will. It's taking over the attic. There is so much STUFF, and we don't need it. Not anymore. I tell him I will clean it out. I will weed it down to just my favorites. I will. But then I just "forget". Or I make plans to put it in this consignment sale that is later. Not now. Not yet. Because... how can I get rid of this baby stuff. This stuff I might nee... oh wait. No, I wont need it again.
And yet I continue to "forget". I ignore. I cover the raw place on my heart with an over sized patch and think "I will deal with THAT later". I think what I need it time, but then I sit holding one of Henry's sleepers from when he was born and I cry in my living room. Six months after I so bravely accepted that it was all said and done. Just a few days since my last email of a reader saying how I am doing so well. An Inspiration!
Am I really? Or am I just good at faking it? I try to not let it control me. To not take away from my time with Henry. I refuse to spend his childhood so upset that there isn't another that I don't enjoy the one I am blessed enough to have. I guess in that regard, I am doing okay.
We have talked so much about the new baby, and for some reason Henry has started saying "TWO Babies!" all the time. I am not sure why. I don't know if he means him and Cici, or Cici and her sister, or if he wants a baby of his own. He is too little to tell me, and honestly I would be too afraid to ask. But I know one day he will ask for a brother or sister. And I know that once again the bandage will be torn off that raw place, and I don't know how to prevent it. I don't know how to develop a callus that protects my heart. Because I want to feel nothing but joy with my family. I want to honestly be able to say "Mama and Papa have one baby!" and not have my heart break every. single. time.
I cannot wait to hold Baby Girl. I cannot wait to see her with Cici. I cannot wait to tell her how wanted and loved she is. Not just by her parents or her sister, but by her Aunt Sarah. And it is absolutely worth rubbing this raw place to get to be here and to be a part of this miracle. And I am so lucky that my family understands. That Boo knows I am so happy for her, and that this rawness has nothing to do with her. Because my god, I am happy for her. So so happy. And totally seperate from that happiness for them is a rawness for myself. And I feel selfish for feeling it, but it is there. And to pretend it isn't is to not be truthful about what infertility is. It breaks your heart when you what to feel nothing but joy. It steals from you and it leaves you raw.