Last night Nick and Boo climbed into our attic to pull down some baby gear. The travel swing, the Bjorne, and lots of newborn gowns. Our sweet girl will be here ANY MINUTE so all the last minute prep is under way. Since we didn't know if Henry was a boy or girl until he was born, we were well stocked in the neutral gown/sleeper department. Boo and Chris used these clothes for Cici in her first few weeks of life, and were planning to use them for Baby Girl too.
So, we broke out Henry's newborn clothes last night. The sleepers and the gowns. The hats and the blankets. The stuff. And I remember lending it to them for Darcy, and saying "Just give it back when you are done because we are doing out FET soon!". I remember those tiny little clothes coming home and Nick carefully putting them back in the attic where they could be found again. For our new baby. I was pulling things out, sorting into piles of what they wanted to take and what was going back in the attic, and Nick make some joke about getting rid of it when they were done... and my eyes filled with tears. We laughed, because... how silly. But then I had a hard time holding it in. We laughed more, because what do you do? What do you say? How do you control emotions that are TOTALLY unwanted and out of your control? I just... I could cry right now. Full disclosure, I AM actually crying just a little right now.
It's not jealousy. Not even a little bit. This really has nothing to do with the Baby Girl. I am so thrilled for them and have been from the moment this adoption started. I am so thrilled for ME. I want my sweet niece in my arms more than I can tell you. These emotions have nothing to do with their family being complete. It's just that seeing Henry's baby clothes, the idea of new babies, of second children, of completeness...it still rubs such a raw spot in my heart. An extremely sensitive spot that I try so hard to hide.
So often I get comments and emails on this blog telling me that people are jealous of how well I am handling the acceptance of our family of three. That I am doing so well! How Great! How Wonderful! An Inspiration in being happy with what you have!
I can't bring myself to get rid of a single thing of Henry's from when he was little. I promise Nick I will. It's taking over the attic. There is so much STUFF, and we don't need it. Not anymore. I tell him I will clean it out. I will weed it down to just my favorites. I will. But then I just "forget". Or I make plans to put it in this consignment sale that is later. Not now. Not yet. Because... how can I get rid of this baby stuff. This stuff I might nee... oh wait. No, I wont need it again.
And yet I continue to "forget". I ignore. I cover the raw place on my heart with an over sized patch and think "I will deal with THAT later". I think what I need it time, but then I sit holding one of Henry's sleepers from when he was born and I cry in my living room. Six months after I so bravely accepted that it was all said and done. Just a few days since my last email of a reader saying how I am doing so well. An Inspiration!
Am I really? Or am I just good at faking it? I try to not let it control me. To not take away from my time with Henry. I refuse to spend his childhood so upset that there isn't another that I don't enjoy the one I am blessed enough to have. I guess in that regard, I am doing okay.
We have talked so much about the new baby, and for some reason Henry has started saying "TWO Babies!" all the time. I am not sure why. I don't know if he means him and Cici, or Cici and her sister, or if he wants a baby of his own. He is too little to tell me, and honestly I would be too afraid to ask. But I know one day he will ask for a brother or sister. And I know that once again the bandage will be torn off that raw place, and I don't know how to prevent it. I don't know how to develop a callus that protects my heart. Because I want to feel nothing but joy with my family. I want to honestly be able to say "Mama and Papa have one baby!" and not have my heart break every. single. time.
I cannot wait to hold Baby Girl. I cannot wait to see her with Cici. I cannot wait to tell her how wanted and loved she is. Not just by her parents or her sister, but by her Aunt Sarah. And it is absolutely worth rubbing this raw place to get to be here and to be a part of this miracle. And I am so lucky that my family understands. That Boo knows I am so happy for her, and that this rawness has nothing to do with her. Because my god, I am happy for her. So so happy. And totally seperate from that happiness for them is a rawness for myself. And I feel selfish for feeling it, but it is there. And to pretend it isn't is to not be truthful about what infertility is. It breaks your heart when you what to feel nothing but joy. It steals from you and it leaves you raw.
Oh sweetie. I can't imagine the flood of emotions that must have swept over you.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to be sad for you. I know your heart will be full of joy for Baby Girl and her family.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
xoxo
Yes. I SO know this, Sarah. I've been giving O's baby items away and found I just could NOT part with the things from when he was really little. And yes, it's not about my sadness. I am thrilled for my cousin, who will be a mom so soon.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's not even about the fact that I'm not okay with being a family of three. Because I am - this is my life, here and now. I have come to a place acceptance and peace with that.
It just hurts. Infertility gives you these raw places. They get rubbed sometimes.
You're not alone.
xoxo
tears over here too, I hate the rawness we all feel with infertility.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI don't think that the way you feel now detracts in any way from what so many people have been saying. You ARE coping so well and you ARE an inspiration! It is totally understandable for you to feel this way, I think everyone would be surprised if you didn't. And it is also brave and inspirational that you write your heart on your blog for others to read.
I have to say you are doing far better than me! I am overjoyed that my sister-in-law is pregnant with her third child but it totally smarts that she has had yet another pregnancy without any thought of how sick she might be. Her version of morning sickness is so far removed from what mine was and most likely would be were I brave (and selfish) enough to try again. So although I am overjoyed, there is definitely huge amounts of hurt and also jealousy there.
I don't know about you and Nick, but Tim and I find ourselves confused, hurt, and in tears quite regularly as we try to come to terms with what has happened in the past year and what that means for our future. Tim finds it easier to say "never again" but I swing from "we're ok with just Oscar, he is everything to us" through to "I really don't want this to be *it* for us" and "what happens when Oscar starts asking about brothers and sisters?" And, like you, I really want to deal with it because I don't want it to impede on the beautiful life I have with Oscar who, though coming into our lives very quickly, took an awful lot of sacrifice to get here and I think even I am only just starting to see just how much the past year damaged both Tim and myself. He was worth every moment, of course, but seeing others so close to us having second and third children really hurts.
I know the reasons behind our feelings are different, but almost every time I read one of your posts about this I have to catch my breath as it is as if you have written exactly what is in my own heart.
I've been able to give away from of the things we were given for Oscar as we were so blessed with so many things for him. But there are some things I know will make me cry so much when I have to part with them and I don't know how much I'll be able to hold on to nor how long I can hold on to things "just in case" even though I know it is highly unlikely we will do this again, not like this anyway.
I am thinking of you at this extremely exciting yet painful time xx
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThe birth of my brother's 2nd baby was really hard for me. Of course I was happy for them (and I imagine you are even more so for Boo, who struggled with IF herself, and lived through their failed adoption), but still it hurt profoundly. Tears here for you. And hugs. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thanks so much for hooking me up with Liz! I'm hoping to get together with her next week to talk about Mrs L.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself, this is so normal. My son is ten and I still have things in the attic from when he was a baby and growing up that I will never get rid of, it's just part of who I am. Hopefully I will be able to pass them on to his children one day. Even though they are just things they are precious memories to you and seeing them sometimes still makes you hurt. I know it's like an open wound and it will never heal but I promise it will scab over and not hurt as much, I know this from experience. Just keep whatever you want, it is fine.
Ruth
Sending you big love my dear.
ReplyDeleteI hesitate to even write this, for fear of sounding callous, but I get the ache in your heart from seeing all the stuff. It's hard to think of it as just "stuff" when it was used to care for our tiny babies. We're at the point where our family is complete too, and I'm starting to weed through everything. And my heart ACHES while I do so. I ripped the bandaid off a few weeks ago and put some stuff on ebay... including the first pair of shoes the boys both wore. And now I'm so mad at myself for doing that. I mean they were these boring little pair of cheap shoes my sister got for B, but now they're gone. Why is the stuff so entrenched in me when I have these little loves to wrap my arms around too? Grr. It makes me mad that I get so wrapped up in it and sad that they're growing up so fast.
I get it and you're amazing. Can't wait for you to have a new little niece in your arms. xo