I am having some guilt issues when it comes to feeding Henry. Number one on this guilt list is my reduction in breast milk. Actually, I am not even sure it is a reduction as much as it is just simply not enough for him. I look at him, and he is healthy and thriving. He is small for his age, but that has always been. He has grown right along side the 5% weight category. Never dropping below, never having a "failure to thrive" issue. His doctor doesn't seem worried. She says it takes a while for my body to catch up, that this is normal at six months. Still. It is so hard to look at him once he is done nursing, done after only five or ten minutes, and I know he wants more. I know he is OK, but not really full. To see his face ask, "so...that's all you got??".
I called my doctor and they put me on some medicine to help. It will be the third time I am on it. I guess this is an issue I have been having for a long time now, which I just didn't talk about. I have cute caffeine 100%. I am drinking as much water as I can during the day. I am trying. Still, I feel guilty. I feel disappointed in my body. I had a ton of milk before I went back to work, and I know that was only seven weeks in, but my supply has never been the same since. So, I blame work. I blame my body. I blame my infertility. I blame my thyroid. All reasons to explain why I see the look on his face that asks for more food.
I have thought about supplementing. But...I don't want to. I feel like it will be the beginning of the end of breast feeding. Then I have a new wave of guilt because I truly don't know if I don't want to stop breast feeding for him or for me. I love it. I love the time together, I love providing for him. I just love it. And I know that it is best for him, but is it still the best for him if I am not making enough milk? Am I actually not making enough milk? He seems healthy and happy...he sleeps through the night. Maybe it is enough, but it seems as if it is just enough. Nothing more. Nothing extra. Just enough.
So, we are coming to the end of the rope. Taking one last ditch effort to get my supply up before we truly discuss other options. This last time I called the doctor to ask once again for the medicine, they happily called it in. I talked with the nurse about my reluctance to supplement, but my concerns about my supply. She reassured me that it is FINE to be on the medicine again. That some women with Thyroid issues require it all the time. That if I don't want to supplement, they will find a way to get my milk supply up. She seemed so sure. I so hope she is right.