Thursday, March 24, 2011


You all are so wonderful. So very very wonderful. Your love and support through blog comments, twitter, text messaging and phone calls were a life saver yesterday. Truly. It was an extremely hard day for me, but every hour or so I would log in to see what you all were saying, and although I replied to nearly nobody, know that I read every single message and that they helped me more than I can say. Thank you for your being here and for understanding how painful this has been.

I guess I didn't realize how sure I actually was that this had worked. I know I told myself again and again that it was a 50% chance either way, and to not get too excited, but there was just no denying it. I was making plans. Expecting to be pregnant this summer, planning on moving Henry to the big room, thinking of how to do vacation this summer with a baby on the way. I was planning. I knew I was going to ask for a second beta on Friday and have them check my thyroid, and it never occurred to me that I wouldn't need that second beta. That the simple answer would be no. My mind completely and utterly knew it was possible, but nobody told my heart. My heart already believed I was pregnant. And my heart broke when they said the words, "I am sorry. This time it didn't work".

This time. But it did last time. And I am holding on to that. Before we made the call Nick said that even if it's negative, it doesn't mean it didn't work. We have our Henry. Our miracle boy. And this was a bonus. I listened to him and totally agreed. I told him I was ready for it to be a no. That I knew we were lucky. And then I broke down as the nurse informed me that this was not our time. That 2011 would not be bringing us a second baby that we so desperately want. Because even though I agreed with Nick before we made the call, I didn't really believe it mattered. Of course we are lucky to have Henry. And we would be lucky again. But infertility doesn't work that way.

So what's next? That's what I spent most of yesterday thinking about. That and how much this sucks, but we can move past that. We have our last two frozen embryos. If I could, I would go in tomorrow and sign up for next months cycle, but we just don't have the money. As much as it kills me, this will have to wait. It is around $2000 to do a frozen transfer, and although that doesn't seem like a lot, we just handed over $2000 two weeks ago. We have spent an alarming amount of money on this infertility journey and we are simply tapped out. There is nowhere else to pull from, so we will begin the process of saving for it. As soon as we have the money, we will go back for our last two. Hopefully one will stay. Oh god, hopefully one will stay, I can't get ahead of myself and start making plans for if that doesn't happen. For now I just need to get there. To the point where they get their chance.

I am truly hoping to be able to do it by the end of the year (to avoid the $400 fee for embryo storage) but it honestly may be next spring. I hate waiting. I hate that we can't just do it. I worry about giving my endo another year to get worse and make it harder and harder for me to get pregnant. I want Henry and these maybe-babies to be close in age, and I hate putting another year between them. I hate going back to limbo and waiting and hoping. If we can't have another child, I just want to know. And really, I am ready to pregnant now. I want this so bad but as I type this the tears are coming back. But we will get there. We will give these last two embryos their chance. Just as soon as we can. And that will have to be good enough for my heart. At least we have one more chance, whenever we get to take it. That is more than most people get.


  1. For us IFs, the time is so crucial but keeping up with expensive treatment is just whole another story.. Im in the same boat. Hope the miracle will be on your way soon!

  2. My heart goes out to you! I am praying for comfort and peace for matter what the road ahead leads to. :)

  3. The waiting is, by far the most difficult part of this journey. I'm so sorry you have to wait to bring those 2 embryos home. I know how you feel....waiting these 3 months between our retrieval and transfer has been heartbreaking and nearly unbearable. But, somehow I do it. My suggestion would be to just take this time to concentrate on other things....your husband, your son, your job, your family, vacations, friends, hobbies you love, etc. Before you know will have saved the $2000 and you'll be able to bring those babes home.

  4. I am so, so sorry that it didn't work.

    Hang in there. There will be a way to come up with the money. Maybe not right away, but soon.

  5. I am sorry to hear that. I know how it feels as I just got a negative a few days ago. I am grieving but we will all move on. All the best to your two snowbabies. Keep us updated.

  6. I'm so, so sorry for your BFN. Glad you have two frosties but it's so hard not to be able to make things happen on your timeline. So unfair!
    Wishing you peace during this difficult time...

  7. I wish there was something more I could say, but the only words that sum it up are "I am so sorry" and "I wish it were easier for you to have what your heart so desperately wants". Know that I am thinking of you, always, and keeping those two remaining embryos in my mind for when you get the chance to give them the opportunity to become Henry's siblings. I truly do wish there was more I could say or do to help xx

  8. Again I'm so sorry your going through this. My heart goes out to you.

    Actually the fact that you already have preicous Henry dosen't make it any easier I'm sure. You know
    1st hand how amazing it is to have a child. And just because you have him it doesn't make it hurt any less. Because your heart still desires another precious little one.

    Praying for some peace of mind and heart during this time for you both. And Hoping that it won't be too long before you get to bring your 2 snow babies home:) I can understand about saving the money.. its expensive.

    Thinking of you,

  9. I know how you feel when you say you thought you'd be okay with a No but then felt utterly heartbroken about it. Been there. Hugs to you.

  10. It's because we get it - we get the desperation to want a baby.

    Tip - start asking "how can we get the money?" it will come quicker than you think :)

    about the email thing, go into your blogger profile and tick/ check the box that says "display email on profile" or something like that :) otherwise I can't email you!

  11. Oh Sarah...

    I'm so heartbroken for you. I'm hugging you all the way from Southeast Texas! I pray that God will put a peace in your heart, and somehow provide those funds so that you are able to try again sooner than you hope. I can only part way understand the disappointment... Hang in there...


  12. I don't think we can ever really be braced and prepared for that news, no matter how much we think we are. When the estrogen patches I was doing made AF MIA for a full week past her due date, I knew deep down I most likely was not pregnant, that it was probably the estrogen patches, but I still dared to hope a little. I got the call with the results from my blood pregnancy test that night while I was out to dinner with my husband, and although I thought I would be okay either way, I wasn't. It was so beyond crushing. I couldn't believe how badly it affected me, even thought I just knew I wasn't. I think in both your case and mine, that one last little thing we had to give us hope was ripped from us. By that I mean your first IVF was a success, so why wouldn't it work the next time? For me it was AF had only been late one other time, and it was when I was pregnant. We held onto those hopes, despite us telling ourselves we would be okay only to have the rug ripped out from under us. You can't be prepared for that no matter how much you try.

    It really does suck, a lot. I'm right there with you. And I am right here with you in hoping that when you do get to transfer the last two, that they (or at least one of them) sticks. I really, truly am.

  13. Oh, Sarah. I'm sitting here crying and I don't even know you!! What complete & utter heartbreak. But I agree with your other readers--the money will come faster than you think. We will keep praying and hoping for that second miracle.

  14. It simply crushes me how much our ability to have a family is controlled by our resources. Waiting to save is a hard, hard pain. The fear factor amplifies it.

    Of course we are here.