It's really strange to go from being actively involved in fertility treatments to all of a sudden not. I know that seems obvious, but seriously, it feels so strange. I am doing much better with the accepting part of this negative, but still...the walking away, it's hard. I have just put so much thought and energy into this second baby. If feels so strange to now be letting go. Or to be trying to let go I guess. Because honestly these hands have no released their tight grip on this dream.
I am in the middle of a war with myself. As much as I want to be done, I can't break old habits. Ones like knowing the day of my cycle, ones like looking for signs of ovulation. Ones like counting down the days to my next period, or to the possibility of a magical pregnancy. When does this stop? How does it stop? How do you build up so much knowledge about infertility, and then just let it go. Can you slide back into the good old days when you never knew a single thing about it? To the days when you started your period and it was like, "Oh right...that." rather than "Where is it...where is it...Could I be...might I be?? Oh...there you are." I just don't know.
I bought a basal body thermometer. It's actually my first one. I know, all the other infertiles out there gasp. (If you are not infertile, all a basal body thermometer is is a very accurate thermometer that you use first thing in the morning, before you get out of bed. Easy and supposedly accurate to predict ovulation) I just never felt like it was worth the trouble to track temps. I had an ovulation monitor, and it seemed much better anyway. But those strips are hella expensive and seeing as how we are "letting this go" and "giving up trying" and "NOT SPENDING ANY MORE DAMN MONEY ON THIS CRAP" I felt that an $8 thermometer was better than a month supply of ovulation strips that are $50.
So I am temping this month. I am telling myself that the only reason I am doing it is because I need to know if I am ovulating. I think that's mostly true. I want to know. Not that I really know what I will do with the knowledge. Why do I NEED to know, when knowing doesn't really do anything for me? So far my temping chart is absolutely as worthless as I expected it to be. They are suppose to sorta look like this...
and right now mine looks like this....A lovely mountain range of temperatures*. Because my body is awesome like that.
I am hoping that with a couple of months of this I will really be able to ease out of the game. Let all this knowledge pass into something I USED to know a lot about. Something that USED to be important. Maybe one month soon my period can take me by surprise. I will forget it's coming, and not sit there with baited breath hoping that it doesn't. But until then, I am going old school infertility. Graphing body temperatures and hoping for a miracle. Soon I hope to let the graphing go, but deep down I know I will always be hoping for that miracle.
*this is half a chart, because I am only half way through this cycle...and my scientific brain WOULD NOT ALLOW ME to just keep making jagged lines.