I feel overly emotional this morning. Maybe I am stretching myself a little thin these days. I don't know, it's a busy time. We have been traveling and very busy the last three weekends. I have been working so hard on my graduate class and have my midterm today. I am planning a wedding shower and making dinner for someone at work this week. Over the next few weeks we have the pumpkin patch, the wedding shower, our anniversary, several birthdays, Halloween, the bachelorette party and of course the wedding (which we are SO excited about) coming up. We are trying to finish up the addition, hanging dry wall and planning to paint. We need to get the furnace replaced in the next couple of weeks as the temperature drops. And then add in that my cousin is going through a hard time right now and I am trying my best to be there for her as much as I can. And then of course the biggie. The stress of Missy's cancer, her starting her treatments, that they may be doing chemo after all. and I am just thin. Emotionally thin.
And then there is the fact that Henry is going through a phase where he doesn't want me to hold him. Not doesn't want to be held, just doesn't want me. And I am embarrassed to admit that it hurts my feelings. It's not always. Of course he lets me hold him some, lots even. But it seems that if he has other options, like Nick or his grandma's, he wants them. And I hate to even write it on here, because I don't want them to feel bad, and they shouldn't. I love that he loves them so. But in my selfish heart I want him to love me best. Always. I feel this desire to say, "I carried you for nine months!" but I know that is pointless. He is 17 months old, and he loves his family. It's a wonderful thing.
But then I worry that my stretching myself so thin is taking a toll on Henry too. Does he feel I am gone too much. We have our Wednesdays together when I am off work and it is just us, but those days are filled with a million little jobs. Cleaning and cooking, grocery and bank. Will he say when he grows up that what he remembers from his childhood is his mama always being too busy to stop and play? That others made time, but Mama had too much to do.
See. Over emotional. But yet, it's these thoughts and all the worries for my family that keep me up until one or two in the morning when I am so exhausted from a long day. It's these thoughts that make me want to crawl into his room, scoop him up and bring him back to bed with me. But I can't. Because it's time again for me to get up, silent as a mouse, and sneak out of the house while he sleeps. To start another day of work away from my baby.