It's nearly time to start the Last Chance FET. I begin my Lupron injections Friday. Don't even get me started on the fact that my insurance will only cover my lupron from one pharmacy. One pharmacy that seems inept in getting things lined up in a timely manner so I STILL don't have my meds and they aren't even in the mail and I don't know WHEN they will be in the mail because they are waiting on... something. Who knows. But it's annoying and stressful that I can't just order it from my IVF pharmacy that I loved.
Anyway, I am sure it will get here. What I am really wanting to talk about today is this fear that has been creeping up inside of me recently. Ever since we realized we really were rolling forward with this FET now rather than sometime in the future. Or maybe since my meeting with Doc where we totally changed my protocol. I walked out with this feeling of relief. Relief that we were doing everything we can for these two embryos. And then the thought came to me that it might not matter. As scared as I am that the embryos won't stay, I am all of a sudden spending more and more time worrying that they wont have the chance. That they wont survive the thaw at all. And I will spend two months giving myself these injections, I will put on the patches and take the progesterone and then, in the end, it wont matter. On the day of the transfer, we will hear that they didn't make it.
Maybe it's because this is one part that is totally out of my control. There is not a single medicine I can take, time I can spend laying down, food I can cut from my diet, that can possibly have an impact on them making it through the thaw. Maybe it's that we lost two in the last thaw. We lost two of the four we thawed. And then we lost the other two as well.
I guess I am full of fear. Fear that they wont make it to transfer, that they wont implant, that they wont stay. Really, I am terrified that as much as I believe we are meant to have another child, that I will be proven wrong. And I am terrified of how to come to terms with that. But the first fear, for now, is them making it to transfer. And since I can't seem to stop worrying about it, I thought it might be time to blog about it. Because you all always seem to help with my fears, even if it's just to say it's not crazy to fear this. That it's normal. And that it will be okay. Even if they don't make it, or they don't stay to be a forever baby, that it really will all be okay.
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