Monday, April 11, 2011

The Fear(s)

It's nearly time to start the Last Chance FET. I begin my Lupron injections Friday. Don't even get me started on the fact that my insurance will only cover my lupron from one pharmacy. One pharmacy that seems inept in getting things lined up in a timely manner so I STILL don't have my meds and they aren't even in the mail and I don't know WHEN they will be in the mail because they are waiting on... something. Who knows. But it's annoying and stressful that I can't just order it from my IVF pharmacy that I loved.

Anyway, I am sure it will get here. What I am really wanting to talk about today is this fear that has been creeping up inside of me recently. Ever since we realized we really were rolling forward with this FET now rather than sometime in the future. Or maybe since my meeting with Doc where we totally changed my protocol. I walked out with this feeling of relief. Relief that we were doing everything we can for these two embryos. And then the thought came to me that it might not matter. As scared as I am that the embryos won't stay, I am all of a sudden spending more and more time worrying that they wont have the chance. That they wont survive the thaw at all. And I will spend two months giving myself these injections, I will put on the patches and take the progesterone and then, in the end, it wont matter. On the day of the transfer, we will hear that they didn't make it.

Maybe it's because this is one part that is totally out of my control. There is not a single medicine I can take, time I can spend laying down, food I can cut from my diet, that can possibly have an impact on them making it through the thaw. Maybe it's that we lost two in the last thaw. We lost two of the four we thawed. And then we lost the other two as well.

I guess I am full of fear. Fear that they wont make it to transfer, that they wont implant, that they wont stay. Really, I am terrified that as much as I believe we are meant to have another child, that I will be proven wrong. And I am terrified of how to come to terms with that. But the first fear, for now, is them making it to transfer. And since I can't seem to stop worrying about it, I thought it might be time to blog about it. Because you all always seem to help with my fears, even if it's just to say it's not crazy to fear this. That it's normal. And that it will be okay. Even if they don't make it, or they don't stay to be a forever baby, that it really will all be okay.

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  1. It is totally normal to be stressed and fearful right now. That's what this whole stupid mess of IF does to us. We doubt ourselves because our bodies didn't do what they are supposed to do naturally. We are stressed by (fertile) idiots at pharmacies (and insurance companies) that just don't get our anxiety and concern. And, even though we play such a huge role - the shots and the timing and the "relaxation" and everything else - the fact is that the # embryos, # that survive thaw, survival of the embryos, are completely and totally out of our hands. What's not to be fearful of? I'm thinking of you and wishing something could ease your anxiety. But, I think it is just the way it will be. And, I'm not going to tell you it will all be ok because if someone had said that to me at any point in my roller coaster journey, I'd have screamed. We just don't know. Hugs.

  2. you must be going through so much. This whole process is so stressful. Really talking about it with others who have never had to go through something like this is just not the same as people who have suffered and struggled through it. You are not alone. I am thinking positive thoughts for you and your embies!!!

  3. Oh, I hear you! We only have one embryo frozen and I worry to that it won't survive the thaw (maybe it already didn't survive the freeze, who knows). I asked my RE about it but all I got from him were statistics (he seems to love those - my husband said on the way back home 'yeah, that's what you get with uncertainties - either faith or statistics...). Hang in there.

  4. Oh hunny,

    I am so sorry you're feeling this way, but it sounds perfectly normal to have these fears to me!

    I can't relate to the fears surrounding the FET, but I can relate to the whole believing you are meant to have more than one child but fearing it wont happen. I *always* imagined I would have at least two children, if not more, but after this pregnancy I just know I cannot go through another one, my body just would not cope and it is unfair to put my husband and child through that, let alone myself. And although I am coming to terms with this (slowly) and know that this is the way our life is now going to be, it still hurts and is still hard to imagine only having the one child. So I totally get that side of your fear, even if I cannot possibly begin to understand the way you're feeling about the rest of it!

    I'm thinking of you, as always xx

  5. I find that blogging is the best way to get those fears out in the open, deal with them, get support and then understand that we ALL have them, and that they are pefectly normal. The unknown is scary, not knowing if this will work is scary and on top of's the thing you want most in the world and you have no control over it.
    I completely and totally understand how you are feeling....

  6. This sounds so stressful! Just found our blog. Your son is adorable!!! Here's hoping for number 2!

  7. It's absolutely normal to be so fearful considering the road you've been on to get to this point. I know how much joy a second baby would bring and I want that so much for you. It worked once and could work again! Hang in there Sugar, dreams are worth all the pain it takes to get you there!

  8. You are definitely not crazy. I am afraid with you. On the other hand, I am hopeful for you. I don't know if this helps, but I have a blog friend who did IVF, only got three eggs, chose to transfer two and freeze one. The two she transferred didn't stick, so she thawed and transferred the third. The one little ice baby is now almost 3 months old. Miracles can and do happen. I pray that a miracle happens for you.

  9. There is always that little piece of the unknown in these cycles and that is where our fears root themselves. Take one day at a time and control what you can control and hope and pray and dream that the rest will fall into place!