Last night I saw that Babble had a short article about reasons people are choosing to have only children. It was really just a list of responses they received from parents of only children listing the reasons they decided to stop at one. Number five on the list, which was from another blogger, said " Some of us feel lucky we get to have one, because it looked like we might have none." And the simplicity of the answer has stayed with me. It's the peace of that answer I feel in my heart when I now think of Henry as an only child.
In a strange way I feel like my decision to have the IUD placed, the jump from hoping for more to closing the door, was very swift and sudden and done without any thought beyond "How do I make this pain stop?". Or maybe it was so slow and drawn out that when it was time for the decision there was really nothing to say beyond "it's time". We knew it was coming, we knew the chances of more were so unlikely, that there were no tears when the IUD made Henry's only child status official. In a strange way it was a relief. A relief from the monthly cycle of ups and downs, of hope and heartbreak. A relief from the dream of something that was not meant to be.
A year ago this week we came to the end of our final FET. The heartbreak from that time still weighs heavy on my heart. I think of how hopeful we were then. How I truly believed we would have another. that we were meant to be a family of four. But one year, two surgeries and one removed ovary later, my only deep feeling on the subject is not that I am broken from the loss of the idea of another, its simply to thank God we have Sweet Henry. Thank god for our one, because it so easily could have been none.
How do I feel about being the parent of an only child? My one baby is enough. He is more than enough, he is my heart and soul. It may not be what I would have chosen, but one is so very much better than zero. Our family of three is pretty amazing. I am happy. We are happy. And I no longer feel like someone is missing. He is one and we are three. I have found peace in three. I love three. Three might be my new favorite number.
He will always be enough.