Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Back and Forth of Heartbreak

I was pretty proud of myself yesterday morning. All thankful about seeing things from the right way. The grateful way. Not wallowing in self pity. It was a good hour or two. But the thing was, after that good couple of hours, I had a bad couple of hours. A heart broken couple of hours. The truth is, I have no idea how to do this. I have no idea how to explain to my heart that this is all over. I have no idea how to LET GO. I feel like even the good hours are really just hours I am in denial.

"This progesterone is still doing a number on my body. I am totally having pregnancy symptoms still...and my period is nowhere is site. Wouldn't it be crazy if..."

"I took that yeast infection medicine a couple of days ago. I wonder if betas can be made into false negatives by..." (they can't. I googled it)

"We might still get pregnant on our own later. It doesn't have to be over. I mean, if I could just get ovulating...and make sure my tubes are still in alignment...and my ovaries aren't still covered in endo and cysts..."

I talked a big game. At the end of this, we were done. I wasn't even going to a follow up appointment. There was no need. This door was going to be slammed shut and locked. Baby #2 is not happening. It's birth control until hysterectomy. The end.


How? How do I say that? How do I go from being as close as I will ever be to having this, to totally walking away? So instead of slamming the door I find myself googling IVF grants and scholarship programs. Reading the fine print to see if they even allow people with one child to apply (the short answer is no). I mention to Nick that maybe in the next year or so our financial situation will change. That he will get an amazing new job that will make us much more financially secure and we can pay off the debt of the old infertility and start over. And he looks as me and says as gently and kindly as possible, "Even if we had the money, we would have to discuss if we WANTED to do this all again..." and I am like, "What? Why wouldn't we want to do THIS??" before I burst into tears and run from the room. Again.

Right. We might not want to do THIS again because THIS is how it can end. With my heart torn our and tears that I can't control. Because grieving like this is one of the very hardest things I have ever done. And I can't talk about it. Not in real words. Because nothing comes out but tears and gasps for breath. So I sit here and pour it onto my blog. Because I don't know what else to do. Because I need to get it out, but I know at some point enough is enough. And everyone will get tired of reading my heartache. And I am scared that is what will happen before I can stop feeling it, because right now I just don't feel like this heartbreak will EVER stop.

I am still lost. I want to let go, but I don't know how. My sister reminded me that it has only been three days. I don't have to rush this. I have more hormones running through my body right now than most people can imagine. I am about to start my period, and I am having to accept giving up something that I have wanted all my life. I can take these days to cry. To shake my fist and say this fucking sucks. That life isn't fair, and that sometimes it is even cruel. That hearts break and sometimes, no matter how right something feels, how meant to be it seems, it doesn't happen.

For now I have decided I will make a follow up appointment. Not to schedule another cycle, just to discuss the end. Nick doesn't see the point, and I can't disagree with him except to say that I hope it gives me the closure I need. I will also go to my OBGYN. I want to stay off birth control as long as possible. I don't know if my endo will let me, but I just can't shut this door. Not all the way. Not yet. In my heart, I feel like we are suppose to be a family of four. I feel like my endometriosis is stealing that from us. But this is what I can do, so I will just see. I will give myself time to heal while holding on to the tiny chance that miracles happen. I will pray for peace, and if I am honest, I will continue to pray for a baby. And hopefully I will find one of those two things in my heart sometime soon.


  1. Oh, Sarah. Your sister is so right - all those hormones can make a girl feel so crazy and out of control. it's hard to know what you're really feeling or thinking with all of that going on. Just sit with it right now. And process as much of it as you can. And know there are so many people who are praying with and for you.

  2. Grieve and post as long as you need. We'll be here. Many of us have been in your shoes, and we'll never get tired of showing our love and support to a fellow IF warrior!!!

  3. What Stacey said. Grieve as long as you want, post what you need. We will abide with you.

  4. so sorry to hear about the negative. the feeling of coming to the end of the road is totally devastating.

    i have PCOS; my first IVF resulted in a BFN and i miscarried the 2nd at about 6 weeks. I think the BFN was actually more horrible than the miscarriage.

  5. So sorry for your heartache right now. I wish there was more I could do, but know that I am sending you hugs and strength. None of this is easy. Luckily you have found a whole army here to listen, to break your solitude.

  6. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. Vent as much as you'd like here, that's what we're here for and you have every right to be feeling everything that you're feeling right now. Infertility is cruel and none of us deserve it. Hang in there!

  7. Keep posting as much as you need, we are all here to be there and listen. I can't possibly imagine what right things to say to you except that I wish you were not going through this. *hug* One day at a time, one hour at a time..

  8. Don't give up! This happened to me twice, we adopted 2 kids and than... yes, I got pregnant with endo and just one ovary...

  9. Hi Sarah,
    You have had one impossibly rough week. Of Course you are grieving and sad and processing this loss of a dream and expectation for your family. it is a lot.

    Thank you for stopping by my blog for ICLW. It is always so nice to meet other bloggers. I've learned more from the stories of others than I could have ever dreamt possible.

    Even as we are pregnant with our miracle baby, I wonder how and if we will be able to grow our family again. There is nothing about this that is easy.

    Sending you lots of love.

  10. First of all, I just wanted to apologise for not checking in earlier. We're away for the weekend and I so wanted to pop by and give my support but I couldn't. I've been thinking of you so much though!

    My comment is far too long to post because of not catching up sooner (blogger refuses to post it) so I'll send the bulk of it via FB. But just know that it is ok and perfectly normal to be swinging from one emotion to the next like this, and that we'll all be here to listen for as long as you need xx

  11. Sarah~~sending you a virtual hug. I am so sad for you. We'll be here for you! Blog away!

  12. I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It has only been a few days, and this is not something you just get over so quickly. This is a huge, life altering thing, and it is so hard to accept. There is a big group out here to support you, hang in there. Big hugs!

  13. I'm seven weeks out from our last cycle. I never made the follow up appointment.

    And I can tell you, I STILL struggle with it.

    Honestly, the only way I've coped is that I'm looking it as a break. Maybe it'll be indefinite. Maybe it won't. But I need to TRY and take this break and focus on the things I do have in my life, you know?

    That's about all I can tell you. But I go back and forth EVERY DAY, too. You're not alone.


  14. Hi Sarah,

    I've been keeping up with your posts and thinking of you, but I've been a little slow to comment.

    First of all, I am so, so sorry about your BFN.

    Second, I think it's great that you are exploring all sides of your situation, the negative and the positive.

    Finally, as others here have said, I think it will take some time for everything to sink in and work itself out. Be good to yourself and give yourself time to grieve, time to think through various paths, and time to feel your way onto the next step, whatever that may be.

    Sending you good thoughts and wishing you well.

  15. I'll echo your sister: it's only been a few days. Give yourself time. You are being way too hard on yourself. You need to take time to process all of this. Grieve over this cycle. Okay? Please give yourself more credit.

    Sending you so many hugs. I wish I knew what else to write. :(

  16. I'm so very sorry! I too have felt this hollow feeling as I tried for more after our first IVF miracle. So, I have been there. But for you to know that this is the end must feel indiscribable. But, I am in awe with how adorable your little boy is though as I type this and look at his picture in the post below. You have so many things to be thankful for...I know that's not as comforting as it may seem, but I hope in time, it will be.

  17. Gosh right now isn't a good time to make "final" decisions. Grieve for this and take your time. One day you will wake up and know what to do. And if that day is six months from now, or next week, it doesn't matter. Just give yourself compassion for now and look for support. Starting with a follow-up is a good beginning.

  18. Sweetie - we will never get tired of hearing it. There will never be an "enough" already point. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling and there is no reason for you, on top of everything else, to feel like you "need to stop" grieving. Everything in time, and your time may well be a different time than someone else's time - and that is ok. We will be here for you, to listen, to comment, to support you.

    My fiance' just leaned over my shoulder to ask what I was doing and then said "oh, commenting?" and I said "yeah - my friend Sarah..." and this look of immediate recognition flashed over his face. We may have never met, but I truly consider you a friend and am so sorry that you are hurting. I think of you and pray for you every day.

    If you need to vent, ever, talk, cry - and want someone different to listen - I'm here. I mean it. It's not just an empty promise.

    Take care of you, and take your time. xoxo

  19. I am so sorry, that is so hard! it is such an emotional struggle! we had two unsucsesful FET's after a positve in-vitro, and I swore I was done, I thought there would never be a way that we could afford to do it again, but time passed and I fiqured out a way to get more money (student loans... I know, but you gotta do what you can!) And we were able to try again, and now have our beautiful 10 month old twins.

    Basically, I'm just saying, Hang in there! I remember that hopeless feeling of loss. it is so hard when you want something so bad!

    I'll be thinking of you!

  20. I am so sorry Sarah...I know how you must feel. TTC#2 is over for me too. And its heartbreaking. Grieve, for it a such a loss....hugs...

  21. I'm so sorry. I don't think anyone should make their final decision until the hormones wear off, time passes, and you speak to the RE (since you never know what he or she will say that could affect your decision one way or the other). It took me 6 fresh ivfs to have my daughter with a twin/possible triplet loss on GIFT/ET#3. I never would have said I could handle that if you'd have asked me at the start. I just stayed open to the possibilities.
    I now blog for my old RE as my way of giving back to those still on their journeys. We have contests to win great prizes and have a series of contests this summer where we are awarding one grand prize of a free micro-ivf cycle. There is one more chance to enter if you're interested so check out the blog for rules. Winners of June's contest will be announced this week. Next contest is in August. Free micro-ivf winner will be announced on labor day. Good luck on whatever road you choose. Tracey from thefertilitydaily ICLW #118

  22. I kept your posts open in my reader because I just had to come back and write a book to you, but it just wasn't working typing on my phone, and this is the first time in days I've sat down to my computer at home. So I apologize in advance for the late timing.

    Well, this is no surprise to you, I know exactly the rollercoaster of emotions you are on. There is no right answer, but even more important, keep letting yourself feel and explore the highs and lows. That sounds ridiculously lame, but I wished that someone had told me it was ok to have every thought I had, especially coming off my own last failed cycle. I spent a lot of time pushing the emotions out of my head, and well... that only gave me a large therapy bill. Do not recommend that approach. :-)

    Yes, it sucks BIG TIME when you land on the wrong side of the odds. It will suck the life out of you every time you see or meet or read about the "happy endings". It will come in spades. I encourage plenty of eye rolling and throwing something (soft) at the wall when those moments overtake you.

    But above all, be gentle with yourself. Expect that you may wake up and decide you have twenty different paths or you are just fine and dandy standing still. Just allow yourself to feel it and acknowledge whatever mood you are in.

    If you ever need someone to chat with, I am here. Someone did that for me and it made so much of a difference. xo

  23. I recently started following but I hadn't seen this great post until Creme de la Creme.

    You captured some tough emotions PERFECTLY and the comments were insightful as well. I don't know how we do it. This is one of those really difficult forks in the road...thanks for blazing the trail.

  24. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I hope that the last 6 months have helped bring you some peace.

    here from the Creme

  25. I just came to this post through Creme de la Creme. Your post is exactly where I see myself in 3 months. And it terrifies me. I'm already playing out this exact situation in my mind - over and over and over. Not that I am glad to see someone else going through it - but it's somehow affirming that you aren't crazy for thinking the way you do, when some else writes something that they could have pulled straight from your brain.

    I'm going to go read more of your blog and see where you are now...

  26. It's truly heartbreaking....the see-saw of raw is all there.


    Here from CDLC.

  27. Reading your post takes me back to my own time of letting go. It was so hard! Hope kept popping its head up, but Hope was not powerful enough to influence our outcome.

    In any case, I'm abiding with you from half a year in the future, with knowledge that your year has a VERY happy ending :-)

    Creme #3

  28. Here from Creme. I hope that the past six months have brought you healing. Thinking of you.

  29. Gah, as I read your post, I was feeling it all! So raw, painful and hurt. I've been there and hope I don't have to remember it again.
    I hope you are feeling more at peace.

    Here from CDLC.

  30. Here from CDLC. Just sitting in my chair thinking and contemplating what you have written and worrying that I will be there. It is a terrible fear of mine after losing my first-born daughter. Thank you for sharing your story.

  31. This is a heartbreaking post. I hope the past 6 months has brought you some amount of solace.

  32. Sarah, this is my first visit to your blog, found your post on the Creme list.

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this heartache. It's a pain so many women suffer in silence, you're so very brave to let your voice be heard through your blog. I am hoping that since publishing this post you've been granted the peace or perfect pregnancy you've been longing for. xo