I like odds. I am a by the numbers sort of girl, so even though I know that statistics mean nothing when you are on the losing side of them, I somehow have always taken comfort in knowing the success rates. Going in to this cycle I was pretty sure we would, at best, have one viable embryo. That would give us the odds of 25% success vs 75% failure. I was prepared for those odds. I wasn't happy with them, but I had accepted them. So when we get to the transfer and hear that both embryos made it, that we had two high quality embryos to transfer in, I was in shock. This means our odds magically went from 25/75 to 50/50. 50/50...the toss of a coin.
And that is how I keep thinking of it. The flip of a coin is our fate. 50/50, could go either way. I found myself thinking of the coin so many times that I decided I sort of wanted to actually flip one. You know...just to see. But I was also a little afraid of the coin. I mean, what if it says no. Does that MEAN anything? And how do I even know if the heads is pregnant or not pregnant?
Well, my little science brain felt a challenge. How could I make this as accurate as possible. First things first, I need to set up a control. I didn't just get to call that heads was pregnant. There was no scientific basis behind that! I had to flip the coin, and that flip would represent my IVF cycle with Henry. Whatever it came up as would represent pregnant.
So...I flipped. And it was heads! (I really wanted Heads to represent pregnant. It feels more like the pregnant side of the coin, you know?)
But the thing was, then I had to flip again, working my way through time, and had to have the coin come up opposite (or tails) to represent our first failed FET. I prepared myself for a lot of flipping. I mean, we had to have heads followed immediately by tails. So I flipped the coin for the second time and BAM, tails. Our failed cycle was officially represented in my experiment.
So then came the moment of truth. It was time to flip once more. And I was nervous. After putting all this thought into my little experiment, it felt like it held some weight. I flipped and it came up....
And it gave me such joy. It gave me more hope than it should have. This weekend I have been back and forth a lot on if I think this cycle has worked. I have thought about posting to tell you that I am pretty sure I am pregnant, and I have thought about telling you I am pretty sure I am not. The fact is, I can't tell. But for today, the coin is telling me yes. And I am going to go with it. I mean, it might be right. This experiment was TOTALLY scientific. How could it be wrong?
48 hours until beta. We will really know soon. I just hope my coin is right.