Yesterday we went to the pool, and while I was there I kept noticing pregnant bellies. Not just general pregnant bellies, but ones on mom's who already had one, maybe two, sometimes three or four children. And I know, I KNOW, that I cannot begin to judge these family situations. That I have no idea how much those children are wanted or loved. I assume they are both wanted and loved a great deal. But still...STILL...for the first time in my infertility journey it was truly painful. I was struck by the unfairness of it all. Why do some people easily get pregnant, and others have so many issues. Why can't it be me? Not me instead of them, but ME TOO.
And I do know that I have Henry. That it WAS me not that long ago. That I am one of the lucky ones. But still...for right now seeing these families of so many children, when all we want is one more...it's just a little heartbreaking.
I hate this feeling. HATE IT. I have always been happy that it hasn't really been an issue for me. Those babies are not MY baby. They have nothing to do with me. They are hopefully very wanted and loved, just like my baby would be. But somehow yesterday it felt different. It felt painful. Any maybe because leading up to this point, we had a plan. We were still working out OUR baby. And now... we can just hope and pray that maybe someday. But most likely not. And as good as I am doing, as settled as I feel with it most of the time, I feel that envy creeping in. And I really wish I knew how to control it. To feel nothing but joy for the new life. But I just can't seem to shake the feeling that life isn't fair.