Thursday, June 30, 2011

Green Eyed

Yesterday we went to the pool, and while I was there I kept noticing pregnant bellies. Not just general pregnant bellies, but ones on mom's who already had one, maybe two, sometimes three or four children. And I know, I KNOW, that I cannot begin to judge these family situations. That I have no idea how much those children are wanted or loved. I assume they are both wanted and loved a great deal. But still...STILL...for the first time in my infertility journey it was truly painful. I was struck by the unfairness of it all. Why do some people easily get pregnant, and others have so many issues. Why can't it be me? Not me instead of them, but ME TOO.

And I do know that I have Henry. That it WAS me not that long ago. That I am one of the lucky ones. But still...for right now seeing these families of so many children, when all we want is one's just a little heartbreaking.

I hate this feeling. HATE IT. I have always been happy that it hasn't really been an issue for me. Those babies are not MY baby. They have nothing to do with me. They are hopefully very wanted and loved, just like my baby would be. But somehow yesterday it felt different. It felt painful. Any maybe because leading up to this point, we had a plan. We were still working out OUR baby. And now... we can just hope and pray that maybe someday. But most likely not. And as good as I am doing, as settled as I feel with it most of the time, I feel that envy creeping in. And I really wish I knew how to control it. To feel nothing but joy for the new life. But I just can't seem to shake the feeling that life isn't fair.


  1. Oh Sarah, I think it's perfectly normal to not being able to shake that feeling of unfairness and not being able to control the envy. Maybe it will come with time. Or maybe not. It's OK.

    Thinking of you (and sorry for not commenting on your recent posts, have been reading all of them, but was away and very tired...).


  2. Our last (failed) cycle for #2 was in March and I had and still have these feelings. I thought it would be easier somehow because I had a son already but the truth is that it isn't. In some ways it is much harder because you know better what you are missing.

    Be kind to yourself when these feelings come up. It is part of the mourning. And you are right, life isn't fair, and you are allowed to feel whatever feelings you are feeling.

  3. Would you know I am STILL jealous when people fall pregnant easily?! The "oh it just happened" brigade kills me.

    So I totally get it for you.

    Go easy on yourself though - as long as you don't stare daggers at them you are justified in your feelings :)

  4. This is the main thing I have been struggling with as I just start my journey into all this. I have a couple friends and family who can literally hiccup and get pregnant. And its hard being and teacher and seeing so many children in difficult homes with WAY too many children to be healthy... and I always wonder why one of them couldn't have been saved for me. So I totally get it. and every life is a gift, but it's still hard.

  5. Remember... soft objects. :-)

    The pool is a landmine. I had the same experience last week. I started tuning out the conversations from those moms, because inevitably, they morph into complaining in some form or fashion... and that's when my blood pressure zooms up. Then I try to reason with myself... after all, if someone has not experienced infertility how would they ever know their actions might be affecting someone else?

    I often wonder if I would be THAT insensitive person if I hadn't gone through what I have over the last 8 years, and unfortunately I probably would be. Which makes me happy and sad all at the same time. Happy I am compassionate, sad that I ended up with the short end of the stick.

    Hang in there.

  6. It's a completely normal feeling. I would like to say you will get over it, but honestly it still bothers me sometimes, my son is 10 now and it is much easier, but it's always there, not so much the pregnancy now but more his friends that have brothers and sisters, I see them and think about how much I wanted that for him. The good thing is all his friends that have brothers and sisters wish they were like him.

  7. (((HUGS))) Totally normal, totally understandable. And totally not fair :(

    I'm so sorry.

  8. Sarah...hugs to you. We just found out that our transfer was unsuccessful yesterday. I have lots of emotions going through me right now. It does seem unfair doesn't it?? :0(

  9. I had a really hard time coming to terms with the feelings I had every time I saw a happy couple with children or a pregnant woman after we stopped trying to get pregnant. I was jealous and resentful but then I felt guilty for having those jealous and resentful feelings. It seemed like every time I turned around, another one of my girlfriends was pregnant with their second child. I finally made peace with it all but I can't tell you exactly how. I think it's just time. Your mind will process this. Allow it to do so. The only way out is through. We've transitioned from trying for one ourselves to an adoption now and it's given me a whole new focus ... and a whole new set of challenges.

  10. I feel for part-time job is at the pharmacy of a major retailer and the amount of woman coming in for their prenatals, heavily pregnant, just about kill me every time. In this journey, I did have a period of time where it was okay, but more than often, it just feels like salt in the wound.

  11. Oh Sarah! I can only reply with what I feel in my heart for you, as I haven't experienced anything like this, but I do want to say that I think these feelings are completely understandable, even to someone who hasn't been there themselves. There is no doubt at all, when reading your blog, just how blessed and lucky you feel that you have Henry, but that doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to feel angry, jealous, frustrated, heartbroken etc because your dream of having a second child has been stolen away from you. It isn't fair that you don't have the same option to expand your family as others do, and so I just don't want to see you beating yourself up with guilt for feeling this way when you already have Henry, because Henry is a wonderful gift but you had so many dreams not just for yourself but also for him that your feelings right now are not only understandable but admirable in that they show just how passionate you are about sharing your lives and love with your child.

    I wish for nothing more than that infertility did not exist and that every couple who wanted a family could have that family. Before you had that hope that "next time" it would work, but since that has been taken away it must be so much harder. I am thinking of you and praying for you and hoping that in time you find the peace you are looking for, although I know that the pain you have already faced will always be a part of your life now xx

  12. That unfairness, that resentment, that jealousy, I wonder if it ever goes away

  13. They are everywhere. In your face. I see them and feel a pang of jealousy before I remember I am one of them.

    I know it hurts.

  14. thank you so much for sharing this. it does seem to be easier to spot in summertime: naked bellies shining in the sun and pools full of splashy, happy children. the pools around here are like baby soup! jealousy is the ugly part of it that we aren;t supposed to talk about, but we all feel it. ALL of us.


  15. I'm right there with you. Not a great place to be. Hugs.