I am struggling to find topics to blog about beyond Henry. I haven't really had this issue before, but for some reason now I just have a hard time getting my thoughts down into posts. Actually... I know the reasons I am struggling, but it is because of those reasons that I am hesitant to even talk about them on here. It is hard to be private with a public blog. It is hard to voice true feelings and frustrations when I find out who is reading. I know I put it all out on the Internet to be read, but then it shocks me to learn that not just friends and family are reading, not just random strangers and blogging friends, but other people. People that I know, but am not so sure I want quite so "in the know" about my thoughts and feelings.
I have become very self aware of my writing. To the point of paralization. "Do they want to read this?" , "Is this too personal?" , "Am I sharing too much?" "grammar...", "spelling...", "PERSONAL...". It is officially getting to me. And it is coming out in my writing. Or my lack of writing. So I keep going back to Henry. A worthy topic, but not the ONLY topic. I just don't know. This blog started as a place for me to talk about anything and everything, and now it feels more like an obligation. I love it and am not leaving it, but I just want to get back to where it started. All about my life. Not only about my son.
It used to be something I posted on without caring who read. I have always had some family members reading, but now I have more than ever before. "what do they think of all of this? Is it too much?". People coming to see Henry, and I am glad they are here. Thrilled that they love him so. But...what will they think when the posts go from Henry to me. To my personal feelings and thoughts and life? I am inviting people to read, then feeling guilty when I talk of things other than the baby. Worried that things I think are funny or amusing are not to them. I don't care when it is strangers...they can take or leave my blog and that is fine. But it is more personal when it is family and friends. More hurtful to be judged or disliked. Not that ANYBODY has disliked it or complained, which makes my feelings even more complicated. Everyone seems to like it, but yet it makes me want to write better, try harder. And when I don't have time to write better and try harder then I just delete it or don't even try to write it in the first place. This is only my fault and not anyone elses, but I am putting this pressure on myself.
Then someone mentions it at work, and everything seems different. Do I want the powers that be reading about my struggles with breast feeding? Do I want my employers reading about how exhausted I am, or how much I wish to stay home with Henry? How will they take that? Do they take me seriously? Do they think I would leave, when I need and love my job? How do I handle it when they take it upon themselves to delve into my personal life so much that they keep tabs on my blog, even when it is not ever on my work computer? I want to be able to move past it, but it I am having a hard time. As I post I think, "Is this something I want my bosses to know?" Because the fact is that they will. It is very clear to me that they are reading.
Even having this in writing bothers me. "To far!" my mind screams. "DON'T talk about WORK!! They will READ IT!!". Or, "I don't want people to feel guilty for reading! " "DELETE this post! Post BABY PICTURES!!! Everyone loves baby pictures!!" I can get over my own issues with this blog not being good enough. Because that is what the issue is. I think I am not a good enough writer. Not good enough for our entire extended family and all of our friends to waste time reading. And I need to get over that. I like writing and they like reading. But the work thing is tricky. I think work has no right to hold my blog against me...and yet it so effects me to know that they are here reading. That they looking at posting topics, posting times, posting information, and then question me about. That bothers me most of all. But I am working through it all. I will not let it take away something I have enjoyed so much over the last few years. So...hang in there as I find a way back to where Bio Girl started.