Monday, October 12, 2009


I am struggling to find topics to blog about beyond Henry. I haven't really had this issue before, but for some reason now I just have a hard time getting my thoughts down into posts. Actually... I know the reasons I am struggling, but it is because of those reasons that I am hesitant to even talk about them on here. It is hard to be private with a public blog. It is hard to voice true feelings and frustrations when I find out who is reading. I know I put it all out on the Internet to be read, but then it shocks me to learn that not just friends and family are reading, not just random strangers and blogging friends, but other people. People that I know, but am not so sure I want quite so "in the know" about my thoughts and feelings.

I have become very self aware of my writing. To the point of paralization. "Do they want to read this?" , "Is this too personal?" , "Am I sharing too much?" "grammar...", "spelling...", "PERSONAL...". It is officially getting to me. And it is coming out in my writing. Or my lack of writing. So I keep going back to Henry. A worthy topic, but not the ONLY topic. I just don't know. This blog started as a place for me to talk about anything and everything, and now it feels more like an obligation. I love it and am not leaving it, but I just want to get back to where it started. All about my life. Not only about my son.

It used to be something I posted on without caring who read. I have always had some family members reading, but now I have more than ever before. "what do they think of all of this? Is it too much?". People coming to see Henry, and I am glad they are here. Thrilled that they love him so. But...what will they think when the posts go from Henry to me. To my personal feelings and thoughts and life? I am inviting people to read, then feeling guilty when I talk of things other than the baby. Worried that things I think are funny or amusing are not to them. I don't care when it is strangers...they can take or leave my blog and that is fine. But it is more personal when it is family and friends. More hurtful to be judged or disliked. Not that ANYBODY has disliked it or complained, which makes my feelings even more complicated. Everyone seems to like it, but yet it makes me want to write better, try harder. And when I don't have time to write better and try harder then I just delete it or don't even try to write it in the first place. This is only my fault and not anyone elses, but I am putting this pressure on myself.

Then someone mentions it at work, and everything seems different. Do I want the powers that be reading about my struggles with breast feeding? Do I want my employers reading about how exhausted I am, or how much I wish to stay home with Henry? How will they take that? Do they take me seriously? Do they think I would leave, when I need and love my job? How do I handle it when they take it upon themselves to delve into my personal life so much that they keep tabs on my blog, even when it is not ever on my work computer? I want to be able to move past it, but it I am having a hard time. As I post I think, "Is this something I want my bosses to know?" Because the fact is that they will. It is very clear to me that they are reading.

Even having this in writing bothers me. "To far!" my mind screams. "DON'T talk about WORK!! They will READ IT!!". Or, "I don't want people to feel guilty for reading! " "DELETE this post! Post BABY PICTURES!!! Everyone loves baby pictures!!" I can get over my own issues with this blog not being good enough. Because that is what the issue is. I think I am not a good enough writer. Not good enough for our entire extended family and all of our friends to waste time reading. And I need to get over that. I like writing and they like reading. But the work thing is tricky. I think work has no right to hold my blog against me...and yet it so effects me to know that they are here reading. That they looking at posting topics, posting times, posting information, and then question me about. That bothers me most of all. But I am working through it all. I will not let it take away something I have enjoyed so much over the last few years. So...hang in there as I find a way back to where Bio Girl started.


  1. Do not blog m-f, 9-5 or whatever your work hours and then it's simple. The hell with what work thinks.

  2. It is difficult, I know. The first time a parent wallked up to me at school and mentioned my blog, I was taken aback and then was more conscious of who was reading - which naturally makes your writing more constrained. Now, I just try to write what I enjoy, but it's hard not to think about who will be reading what you are writing! Just keep doing what you are doing - writing for the enjoyment of it. And try not to worry too much about who is reading.

  3. I know exaclty how you feel. While I'm totally honest on my blog there are a few things that I would like to talk about as well, but yet haven't because of the "whose reading it factor". To be honest there are things I would love to talk about and get off my chest but if I did and the wrong people read it, it would be even worse for me in the long run then keeping it in and not sharing.

    The truth is you never know who is reading your blog. The other day I was someplace where I knew nobody and a lady came up to me and told me she reads my blog and gave me a hug. I've also had people who I didn't know read my blog and do and actually know the people I don't want reading my blog. Does that make any sense? You just don't know who is reading.

    So I guess I just 'watch' what I post about and I guess if somebody doesn't like it that is their problem and they don't have to read my blog if they don't want to.

    I think your writing style is funny. I know I don't know you, but I would love to read more about your life. Although I do love seeing pictures of your sweet little boy.

    So do what feels right to you. I look forward to reading more about you in the future.

  4. You underestimate your writing skills, my sweet friend. Your bubbly, loving and hilarious personality shines through your words and if you were a bad writer your blog would be dull and boring. Of course I understand how you feel since I briefly had a blog that I killed after a short time. Write about what you feel comfortable writing about and don't be so hard on yourself. I will continue to be one of your biggest fans even if I don't always take the time to comment. Lots of love to you and sweet Henry!!!

  5. There's always the option of making your blog private. An invitation only kind of thing. Then it would be more of a journal for those whom you want to read it and stay in the loop as regards your life. If it stays as is, then the world is your audience. If you don't want that, then you need to change what you're doing. Your writing is fine and enjoyable to read. Only you can truly decide how you feel about whose reading.....then act accordingly.

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