Thursday, January 6, 2011

End of the World Survival Guide

So one of my best friends is a bit of an alarmist. And if I am being honest, I will have to admit that I thoroughly enjoy pushing her buttons and talking worst case scenario with her. Of course, when we are done I go to bed and sleep like a baby and she goes home and stock piles food and water under her bed in case 99.9% of the worlds population dies from the bird flu and she is left to fend for herself... because OBVIOUSLY she is immune. (True story. She actually had food and water under her bed. But it was a secret. Didn't want the other 0.1% knowing she was a girl with a plan. Might make her a target.) She was pregnant during Katrina, and got completely convinced that the reason they weren't letting people out of the Super Dome was because... they had all turned to zombies. And they were trying to contain the disaster. And somehow got so worked up over it all that she knew she would end up giving birth on a bridge. Not sure about that jump, but it is where she ended up. Surrounded by zombies giving birth on an overpass.

Needless to say, I am a terrible friend. When something happens in the world that is a little unusual, I wait for that little "ding" of my google chat to pop up with a link and the following words. "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?!?" I quickly scan the article and inform her that her worst nightmares are coming true. It is OBVIOUSLY the END OF DAYS! We then enjoy a good two hours of discussing how the government is hiding the truth, how everyone will die, and what our escape plan will be. So.. I mean, of course when something happens like 2000 birds drop dead in the sky on New Years Eve and the government says it was lightning, our minds start racing. Then more birds die, and even more birds, then some fish, then MORE birds (this time over seas! It's WORLD WIDE!!) And my little friend is officially packing more food under the bed for the OBVIOUS alien attack that is right around the corner.

She emailed her brother if he is worried about these bird deaths and he wrote back that he isn't in the slightest. Not because they aren't suspicious, but because he is a man with a plan. He has taken the time to create an "End of the World Survival Guide", so he knows he is safe. He decides to share his plan with her, and then her with me. And this plan is so awesome I figured I should share it with you. Because you, my faithful readers, also should be prepared in case of it really is the END OF DAYS. So go ahead and print this out and hang it on your fridge. It can't hurt to be prepared.

End of the World Survival Guide

Aliens – Keep lots of water around and get camo suit. Keep cold in case of heat vision

Zombies – Aim for the head

Virus – Head to the wilderness

Nuclear War – Wear shades, grab gun, eat canned food and keep lots of gas on hand

Asteroid – Go to Mountain in middle of Rockies get snow clothes

Super Volcano – Head to coast, hijack ship to island in the middle of nowhere with seeds, vitamins and mushrooms

Ice Age – Head to equator live in Mayan Temple

Rapture – DO NOT GET 666 on forehead, go to church

Sun Explodes – Drink lots of alcohol and wait.

My favorite is "Rapture" because it is the only time in the list he feels the need to go all CAPS on you all. Like "Listen, this shit is IMPORTANT"!


  1. I prefer to think of myself as a survivalist, as well, but not an alarmist. You never know when the zombies are coming and you must be prepared. Head shot is very important knowledge, so don't waste ammo on each zombie :)

  2. Well, as you know, I am COMPLETELY prepared for the zombies. As far as aliens, Tom would be useless because they totally freak him out. I have printed out your notes on the other situations and am studying them carefully.

    OK. Not really.

  3. Haha, that was awesome!! I don't care about end of the world really - all I care is that I should be a mother before the end of the world is here.

  4. Oh wow that made me giggle :)

  5. *Waves*

    I came across your blog through the Creme and have been reading along with your new posts.

    Thanks for the laugh today. It was much needed!

  6. Both practical and hilarious. The guy's really thought it out. Thanks for the laugh :)

  7. This is some weird business and you made it laughable!

  8. This list is great. I may just tack it up over my desk at work. As for your friend...there's a certain amount of credulity that makes sense and is only prudent, but when it's again and again, doesn't she start wondering why the world doesn't seem to have ended yet?