Needless to say, I am a terrible friend. When something happens in the world that is a little unusual, I wait for that little "ding" of my google chat to pop up with a link and the following words. "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?!?" I quickly scan the article and inform her that her worst nightmares are coming true. It is OBVIOUSLY the END OF DAYS! We then enjoy a good two hours of discussing how the government is hiding the truth, how everyone will die, and what our escape plan will be. So.. I mean, of course when something happens like 2000 birds drop dead in the sky on New Years Eve and the government says it was lightning, our minds start racing. Then more birds die, and even more birds, then some fish, then MORE birds (this time over seas! It's WORLD WIDE!!) And my little friend is officially packing more food under the bed for the OBVIOUS alien attack that is right around the corner.
She emailed her brother if he is worried about these bird deaths and he wrote back that he isn't in the slightest. Not because they aren't suspicious, but because he is a man with a plan. He has taken the time to create an "End of the World Survival Guide", so he knows he is safe. He decides to share his plan with her, and then her with me. And this plan is so awesome I figured I should share it with you. Because you, my faithful readers, also should be prepared in case of it really is the END OF DAYS. So go ahead and print this out and hang it on your fridge. It can't hurt to be prepared.
End of the World Survival Guide
Aliens – Keep lots of water around and get camo suit. Keep cold in case of heat vision
Zombies – Aim for the head
Virus – Head to the wilderness
Nuclear War – Wear shades, grab gun, eat canned food and keep lots of gas on hand
Asteroid – Go to Mountain in middle of Rockies get snow clothes
Super Volcano – Head to coast, hijack ship to island in the middle of nowhere with seeds, vitamins and mushrooms
Ice Age – Head to equator live in Mayan Temple
Rapture – DO NOT GET 666 on forehead, go to church
Sun Explodes – Drink lots of alcohol and wait.
My favorite is "Rapture" because it is the only time in the list he feels the need to go all CAPS on you all. Like "Listen, this shit is IMPORTANT"!