Something has been happening to me recently. Something deep down in my soul. And in all honesty I can credit it to nothing but answered prayers. For the last two years I have prayed for peace. To find peace with the size of our family and peace with the six frozen embryos we have left over from our IVF that gave us Henry. I was afraid we would transfer two embryo's, get pregnant with twins, and then have to make that hard decision that all infertile couples dread about left over embryos. I knew we wouldn't go back if we had three children. I worried about having that complete feeling in our family after just two children, but then having extra embryos. These fears seemed to take front stage in my mind with I thought about the first FET transfer. In all honestly, I think that was why I was blind sided by the negative results. I knew the were possible, but I had spent over a year obsessing about what to do with any embryos left over. Were we really at a point where there wouldn't be any? A point where all six were given their chance to our children?
As we move into the Last Chance FET, I find that my heart is at peace. I have hope that these last two embryos will give us the second child we so want, but now I also have a peace in my heart that if it doesn't, that everything will be okay. We are a pretty awesome family of three. We are happy as we are. And I know, I KNOW, that if we have a second child they will fit right into our little world and be our missing piece, finally complete. But if there is no other piece, if this is it, a puzzle of three, I now know that I am okay with that too. It is a peace I haven't know in years, and I realize now that part of that was the embryos. I needed them to have a chance of being a part of this wonderful puzzle. I needed to let go and to not think it was up to me to make all the decisions.
What is suppose to happen will happen. I know that a negative with this last FET will be heart breaking, more heart breaking than I can wrap my mind around right now because it will be the first time I will face an end to our infertility journey, but I also know that on the other end of that possible heart ache is a life that I love. A son that is the light of my life. And I hope to have another child, of course I do. But it is so nice to finally feel like not everything rides on that result. That our entire happiness does not ride on a positive beta. We already won. Our Henry completes us, and if we are lucky enough to have another, then we will be doubly blessed.