Friday, May 20, 2011

Peace

Something has been happening to me recently. Something deep down in my soul. And in all honesty I can credit it to nothing but answered prayers. For the last two years I have prayed for peace. To find peace with the size of our family and peace with the six frozen embryos we have left over from our IVF that gave us Henry. I was afraid we would transfer two embryo's, get pregnant with twins, and then have to make that hard decision that all infertile couples dread about left over embryos. I knew we wouldn't go back if we had three children. I worried about having that complete feeling in our family after just two children, but then having extra embryos. These fears seemed to take front stage in my mind with I thought about the first FET transfer. In all honestly, I think that was why I was blind sided by the negative results. I knew the were possible, but I had spent over a year obsessing about what to do with any embryos left over. Were we really at a point where there wouldn't be any? A point where all six were given their chance to our children?

As we move into the Last Chance FET, I find that my heart is at peace. I have hope that these last two embryos will give us the second child we so want, but now I also have a peace in my heart that if it doesn't, that everything will be okay. We are a pretty awesome family of three. We are happy as we are. And I know, I KNOW, that if we have a second child they will fit right into our little world and be our missing piece, finally complete. But if there is no other piece, if this is it, a puzzle of three, I now know that I am okay with that too. It is a peace I haven't know in years, and I realize now that part of that was the embryos. I needed them to have a chance of being a part of this wonderful puzzle. I needed to let go and to not think it was up to me to make all the decisions.

What is suppose to happen will happen. I know that a negative with this last FET will be heart breaking, more heart breaking than I can wrap my mind around right now because it will be the first time I will face an end to our infertility journey, but I also know that on the other end of that possible heart ache is a life that I love. A son that is the light of my life. And I hope to have another child, of course I do. But it is so nice to finally feel like not everything rides on that result. That our entire happiness does not ride on a positive beta. We already won. Our Henry completes us, and if we are lucky enough to have another, then we will be doubly blessed.

28 comments:

  1. Sarah, what a beautiful post!

    The peace of God is something awesome, isn't it?

    PS I think you're a miracle worker for even working out the exact combination to good sleep for Henry. That's why I call them experiments - it's test against the control all the time!

    ReplyDelete
  2. In the end, it'll all be ok. Family of 3 or family of 4, both will be perfect and really, it's all going to be ok.

    ReplyDelete
  3. From someone on the "other side" of the End of Trying, I will say that this sort of peace is IMPORTANT. Because I felt (feel?) the same way, and it helps me navigate through the heartbreak. Because I know we're going to be okay - we're a family.

    Anyway. I will cross my fingers that this Last Chance FET works, though. :)

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Praying your last FET works...but thank you for sharing about the peace you have. This is something I've been starting to grapple with, too.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful :-) What a gracious gift of God. I'm so deeply encouraged by this post that I can't help but rejoice in reading it! Thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know right where you are. Paint a big red dot on the floor, because I'm there too.

    Sometimes we just need to calm our minds so that we can hear from our hearts that no matter what happens, we will be okay, and we can be happy. We know we are blessed beyond measure already, and we know we can be okay with that. Not even just okay, but great.

    Sure we want more, but if we don't get more, there are so many things we can do as families of 3 that would be more difficutl as families of 4+.

    Either way, I really hope this last FET works for you. I really, really do because I know I long to make my daughter a sister and I am sure you wish the same for Henry.

    ReplyDelete
  7. That was how I felt as soon as we had A. I was at peace with ONE child as soon as we had her. Having gone through 2 Fresh IVF's, paying for every part of the procedures including all meds (we have no government coverage for iVF in Canada, so the procedures are paid out of pocket, in my case 24K.) I had no frozen embryos from either cycle, and we could not afford another fresh cycle. I was at peace with a family of 3 as soon as she came out. :) 100% at peace. So I understand what you are saying.

    To me, nothing hurts more than being faced with the prospect of no children. But once you have one (from ART), you're not left with that desperation and fear of being childless. You want to expand your family, but the need is different. :)

    Good luck with your FET.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your words certainly sound peaceful and you're so right... we are so fortunate to have one little one. Lovely to be heading into a cycle where you're not as attached to the result... that peace will help the good vibes to support your little frosties. FXd for you xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am glad you have found this peace. It is elusive for so many of us.

    And I must admit, I envy your peace. Because I am far from being there.

    Best of luck with your FET!

    ReplyDelete
  10. you really are lucky to have Henry and a lot of others do not get that chance..but you have every right to be dissapointedand anxious and you have really been challenged in this IVF Journey. And Henry deserves a sibling to play with:)
    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  11. I too want very much a second child, but not sure if it will be possible. I do hope I will, but if not, am trying to come to term with it. As you said, this one child I have, a miracle baby, is the light of my life, I am so glad I am her mother. Another child would make us a family of three, but a family of two is also great.
    Wishing you luck on your FET.
    (here from ICLW)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sarah, this is such a beautiful post. I'm so glad you've found this peace and you can hold on to it during your FET cycle, no matter the outcome - but I'll keep everything crossed for it to be positive!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sarah - I understand the need for peace and loved reading your post. My daughter is also wonderful and we are so blessed to have her, but would be doubly blessed to have another also. Trying for number 2 can be just as hard as number 1 especially when that sense of peace is not over us. Good luck on your journey! I hope to see a BFP in the future for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am glad you have found peace but I'm still wishing you all the best for this next FET cycle. Sending positive thoughts your way.

    ICLW #13

    ReplyDelete
  15. You are so right, and this is exactly how I felt going into this FET as well. I felt like I really wanted to have another child, but I FINALLY felt at peace that if it wasn't meant to be after all the prayers and soul searching, that I would be ok, because I'd already been amply blessed with our sweet Jack. It is the first time I've felt that way in years. Best of luck with your FET, I'll be following you to see how it all pans out and praying for you that you get that fourth (or fifth too!) puzzle pieces. Happy ICLW!

    ICLW #121

    ReplyDelete
  16. such a great post!!i am hoping your FET is successful, but either way your family is beautiful.
    jes g....iclw

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi... I've just awarded you a Versatile and/or Stylish Blogger Award :) Follow the link below and take your pick of which award you'd like and spread the love to other blogs you love :) It means so much to me to be sharing this roller-coaster ride of loss/TTC with you all. Love for ICLWeek :)) xoxo

    http://newyearmum.blogspot.com/2011/05/more-blog-awards-for-extra-happy-start.html

    ReplyDelete
  18. Stopping by from ICLW!!

    I love those clear moment of peace...of contentment for what you have. I do have my fingers crossed that your last FET will work out, though :).

    Beautiful post, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  19. i'm glad you have found some peace with your FET results and frozen embryos. isn't always amazing how we find peace through all of this? hoping your last chance FET will bring you a beautiful baby or two :-) happy iclw (#8)

    ReplyDelete
  20. God is good - and I am so thankful for your peace - whatever the outcome.
    sending lots of hope to you as you restart the FET journey

    ReplyDelete
  21. What beautiful words of a heart at peace. So wonderful that you have found this calm inside. Best of luck in putting your puzzle together! Happy ICLW!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh such a topic I can relate to. I have never had any frozen embies but because of other circumstances I'm not sure a second child is in the stars for us. As much as I'd like another. But at the same time, my baby girl is enough should she be an only child. We are beyond lucky to even have her! Best wishes with this FET and I am anxious to follow your progress!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm so glad you are in such a peaceful place....that alone is such an awesome gift. Thinking and praying for you that this cycle works.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I feel like I am getting to the same point. I am just SO SICK of this struggle. I am ready to do anothr IVF and if it's negative, be more than thrilled to have my little miracle.

    Thinking about ya, Sarah, & hoping both of us are okay in the next couple of months.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hi stopping by from ICLW. I really hope this FET works for you. Sending positive thoughts your way.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Coming by belatedly to say thank you for your comment on my post that Mel featured in this year's Creme de la Creme. Good luck to you!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Praying for your family and hoping it grows with this next FET!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Here from Cyclesista. This is a beautiful post. Wishing you all the best.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin