So we did not get a call from Doc on Friday. No call meant good news. It meant my estrogen level was low enough to allow our IVF cycle. We are really doing this. I am beyond thrilled to not have this cycle stopped before it begins, but at the same time completely terrified. I have followed each step of this infertility process with a clear mind of "well, if this doesn't work then we will...". Maybe it was because we were expecting the struggle due to my endometriosis, maybe it is because a year ago my sister went through the exact same steps, but I felt that I was emotionally prepared to move to IVF. It was difficult to accept that the IUI's did not work, but deep down we did not expect them to. We seemed to both know it would come to this.
Now it is here. Stimulating hormones start today. We are moving full steam ahead into our last best chance. The odds are 50-50. If we transfer three (a decision that will be made once we know the number of eggs and their quality) then those odds will move up to 70-30. They sound like pretty great odds...but mean nothing if we are in the loosing 50 or 30 percent. I have been following so many blogs of other people in our boat. Will be be a lucky one? Will we have the heartbreak of being in the losing half?
Our timeline is once again set, and this time it seems real. In one month we will know if this has worked for us. We hope for eggs to freeze (damn, we hope for eggs to transfer), but we know there are no guarantees. We know that this could be it. Our one shot. I find myself bargaining with God. Explaining why I would be a wonderful parent...trying to talk him into giving us the yes we so want. I know that it doesn't work that way. That this in not a punishment...that it is just a step in our journey. Still it is hard to not try to make the deal. To push the argument with fate that you were MADE for this. Then to realize that you hope you are made for this, because it just doesn't actually seem true. My heart is made for this, but my body is giving me a hell of a lot of trouble.
In this moment I know that our mapped course is coming to an end. Hopefully we don't have to take it any farther than this. We wont have to discuss where the money comes from to try again. What if my eggs are bad? What if none fertilize? What if none survive? What if everything go perfect and we are just that 50 or 30%? Do we try again? Do me move to adoption? WHERE DO WE GET THE MONEY?? I don't want to think of these things. I went to focus on this cycle, the most important of all months. And yet, how do you quite your mind, when it is acting in self defence. It is preparing you for the worst, because it knows you well enough to know you wont survive it without a plan. Without a next step...without an answer.
So...on this first day of September and this first day of Stims, I have a lot on my mind. More than anything I am hopeful. Hopeful that by next month I can put these worries behind me and start to worry about something much much bigger...about having a baby. That I can't let myself think about now, but I hope that is what I write you on the first of October.