It has been eleven weeks since sweet Henry was born. Eleven wonderful weeks. In that time, I have done next to nothing without having him on my mind. Sure, I have gone to work, I have even gone out to dinner a couple of times without him, but he is always what I am thinking about. Always what I worry about. Honestly, always what I am talking about. I find myself having a hard time carrying on a conversation about anything besides him. I listen to other topics, I participate, and I fight the urge to always say, "SOOOO...back to HENRY!". For eleven weeks he has been everything. My minds every thought. I don't regret this, or even have a problem with it. He is tiny and innocent and so so fragile. He needs to be the first and last thought his mama has every single day. He has needed that dedication, and I have been more than happy to give it. I have given it without question or regret. I have given it without effort. He is everything.
But now, eleven weeks after having him, I am starting to want a little more of a balance. Some equilibrium with my old life. I don't want to be in mommy mode all the time. I do not want to only be able to talk about Henry. To only be able to think about Henry. I want to be able to be a good wife, a good friend, and good daughter and sister. I want most of all to be a great Mama. Henry needs me most, but honestly I need myself as well. I need time to go out and have dinner and drinks with Nick or my girlfriends. To sit there and talk about or lives and our jobs, movies and books. Things that I love besides Henry. Not that I don't love him...of course I love him with my entire heart. But for his own good and mine too, I need to have other interests. Other topics of conversations. Other outings besides baby outings. I need to work on finding out who I want to be now. I am no longer just Sarah, but I am not just Henry's Mama either. I am now both, and I want to be fair to both parts of myself. It will take a while to find the balance. It may take forever. Constantly adjusting for his needs and my own, but I am ready to start working on it. To really find myself in my new roll as Mama.
Sounds like you are already well on the way to finding that balance!! Of course wanting to find "Sarah" as well as "Mama" never means Henry is not your first thought... in fact I truly believe that having the balance and finding yourself benefits baby too, especially as he grows because he will have a balanced mama who knows when he needs protecting and when he just needs to be himself... after all he's on a journey of discovering who he is and who better to give him an example of how to be himself than his mama if she knows exactly who she is?
ReplyDeleteYou will be working on that balance for the rest of your life and you are smart to be thinking about it now. You will have a healthy, happy child if you are a healthy, happy mommy with a life of your own. (You can talk about Henry WHENEVER YOU WANT with me!!)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to find a balance. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWhen they start doing things for themselves, it makes stuff a lot easier. You have quite bit of time before then-but that is how it worked out for us.
Great blog entry!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Amy! Great post!
ReplyDelete