I had my annual appointment with my OBGYN yesterday. We talked a lot about my endo, my infertility and where we stand on this baby business. We talked about my temperature charting and he agreed, I am not ovulating. He offered me a prescription for Clomid, with instructions to take it no longer than three months, and that was that. A pill to make me ovulate. To put our foot, ever so slightly, back in the trying to conceive game. Except, maybe not.
I cannot decide if I even want to take it. I mean, part of me REALLY wants to take it, but at the same time...I am extremely torn. First off, Nick doesn't want me to. That is big. His wishes, I mean, they have to matter. And Nick is very happy with our family of three. He says if it happens on it's own that's one thing, but we had decided we were done with treatment, and he wants to stick to that. I can't blame him. I mean, he picks up the pieces each month that it doesn't work. And he feels complete with our family. And we had agreed, we were done with treatments. So there is that. He said it was up to me, but I know what he would prefer. And it means so much that he said I could take it if I wanted, but still, does that make it okay to just do it? When we had agreed, when I know what he wants?
Then there is the fact that they don't want you taking Clomid more than six cycles because any more than that increases the risks of some cancers. And... that isn't something I like the idea of messing with. I am way too familiar with cancer to risk things for a medication that will most likely have no real effect on anything positive. And even though I have only taken it three months, I have also taken a ton of other fertility medications and who knows what those will all do to me. Is it worth risking taking more?
And... I guess there is the fact that I don't think there is any point in taking it. When I read online that people are doing an unmonitored Clomid cycle after failed IVF's I just assume it wont work. I mean, we all start with Clomid cycles, or something like that. My RE told us he wouldn't do more than three Clomid IUI's because after that there was no point. Statistically we wouldn't get pregnant from them. So, why would I put myself through it when I don't think it really has a shot in hell of working?
And the thing is, that even though I can sit here now and say I don't think it has a chance of working, I know that I will be so hopeful each month that I would be on it. Thinking maybe, possibly, and eventually, thinking probably. Before, once again, being let down. I am in a better place than I was two months ago. I am enjoying my sweet boy and I am happy with our family. My heart aches for another, but that ache is dulling. I worry that taking Clomid will rip those newly scabbed wounds back open. And if I thought it might work, I might be more willing. But now, I just don't know.
So I am thinking on it. This post makes me think I wont take it, now that I see all my points in black and white. I can't seem to find one good reason to try it beyond the far off "Maybe..." of it working. But at the same time, it is hard to walk away from a maybe, no matter how far off the chances of it working may be. Because I so want that maybe to be a yes.