I am a faith filled person. For some reason, I have never been a fan of calling myself religious, but I am extremely faith filled. I don't talk about my faith on here much, not for any reason beyond I just don't. But at the same time it isn't a secret. It's always there.
I have prayed a lot recently. More than I normally do. Or maybe we all do that in difficult times. But I have been praying more since the failure of our last FET. I have been praying, and I feel as if I have been hearing an answer. "Be still. Listen. Trust. Let go."
The clomid question has thrown me for a loop. More of one than I expected when the prescription was handed to me. As the paper moved from my doctors hand to mine it just seemed obvious that I would be taking these pills. I mean, I was the one who brought up the lack of ovulation. Why mention it if I wasn't hoping he would do something about it? But ever since the appointment I have felt uneasy about it. Like I was doing the opposite of what I had been hearing in my prayers. I was on the move. Talking myself into things. Taking control. Holding on.
I am not going to take the clomid. And I feel very good about the decision. I feel like it is the right one for my family. I feel like it is the answer that my faith is pointing me towards. Not that I believe god will give me a baby if I don't take the medicine, that I will miraculously fall pregnant, but I believe that if I am meant to have another baby I will. That all the side effects and the questions that would come along with this simple medication, the opening of newly healed wounds and the turning my back on decisions made... it's just not the right thing for us.
I will be still. Live in the now. Be happy with what I have. I will have faith that what is suppose to happen will happen.
I know a lot of people view faith as a cop out on these types of decisions. Maybe it is, but I know that now I have made this decision, I feel much more at peace with it. By taking this chance to say no, we really are done, that we are letting go, I feel more at peace with our future. I know the Clomid most likely wouldn't have resulted in a pregnancy. But it feels nice to decide in favor of my health and mental stability, to side with Nick and keep the agreement we made rather than just blindly going after what I want, no matter the cost.
I am trying to be still. I am trying to listen. I am trying, really really trying to stay faith filled. And I believe in my heart that this is the right decision. Just as I feel that the IVF that gave us Henry was the right decision. The answer to prayers. And I feel that the two failed FET's were the right decision. As hard as they were, they brought me here. To a place where I can let go. And maybe not exactly feel happy with these answers, but to feel a growing peace with them. And that too is an answered prayer.
Thank you for your support, and thank you to those commenters who let me know that clomid increased their problems with their endometriosis. It was just one more thing to help point me in the direction I needed to go.