Remember how I told you I was going on a girls weekend with all the women in Nick's family? How it was going to be full of fun activities like hiking and horse back riding and white water rafting...well, that trip is happening right now, and I am not there. I hate missing things. I am actually the person who typically bends over backwards to go everywhere so I don't miss something good. I gotta be a part of it, gotta be involved. So, needless to say, this was an incredibly difficult decision to back out. I rolled it around in my head for the majority of the month. As soon as we started this IUI cycle I counted up the days to see when exactly the trip fell in the month. I would have been gone from days 25-29. I am sure no matter which way the days fell, I would have had issues with them, but in my head, there could not be a worse clump of days in a cycle to be away from home.
With IUI #1 and #2 I started on days 23 and 25. When I start, I am horribly indescribably sick. I try very hard to not let many people see me on these days because they are generally full of tears and cramping and sleeping on a heating pad whenever possible. Not ideal for cabin living...Then there was the issue of what if this month I don't actually start early. I am now on all the added hormones so there is definitely as possibility that I will make it all the way through this one. Then how am I going to feel about our planned activities? Things that sound amazing to me, but if I am pregnant things I would be hesitant to do. This is something we want so much and have been trying for for so long. I just couldn't feel comfortable horse back riding and white water rafting if I felt I might "mess up" what we want more than anything.
Then, of course you will notice that the trip goes right over that magical day 28. This means I would be taking my test in Tennessee. Not a problem if it is positive, but if it is yet again negative, I am not sure I want to be so open as to let everyone see the true disappointment. This is our last IUI. I have no idea how it will hit me, but if I haven't started spotting by Tuesday and then the test is negative I have a feeling it will be a bad, bad day.
So I decided not to go. I let them all know that I love them and will miss them, but there is just no way I can look at the trip and see that it is best for me or for them for me to join in. They were sad, but they understand. They are so supportive with all this fertility stuff, which means the world to me. I have a certain amount of guilt with the fact that our fertility issues are me. It is something that is not for this post, and I might not ever be able to fully get out in any post, but there are some issues there. My desire to be a mother is incredibly strong, but my desire to allow Nick to be a father is equally pulling on my heart. The support and love and lack of judgment from his family (and my family too) means everything to me.
It's just the things that people who struggle with infertility give up just for the chance that it might be working is incredible. It is overwhelming and heart breaking to sacrifice and then have it be for nothing. I have no problem going out with my friends and sitting on patios and everyone having beers and Margarita's and I have Sprite. It is fine with me. It is totally worth it, just in case. I am okay to not go on vacations that have non-pregnant friendly activities because I could be. This could be our time. The problem is that it just increases the heart ache when it is negative. And eventually makes you angry for the things you give up when it would be worth it...but in the end it isn't, because it was for nothing. I really hope I gave up this trip for a good reason. The best reason. But I know that since I can't see the future, it was really the only decision I could make with the information I had....